Puerto Rico's first impression

My first thoughts as I land in PR looking out the window. I see towers and city and it looks like a downtown Miami, I see billboards in Spanish, highways lined equally with Puerto Rican and American flags with pride, I see villas of poverty with rusted tin roofs and less than a foot of space between each house. Then I see bayooteefull green grass and sunshine and mountains peaking through the clouds far over. We taxi into the gate and I'm humbled to have this opportunity and plan to make the best of it.

My first thought as I arrive to the hotel is "I just got hustled". The taxi driver conveniently didn't have change for my 50 dollar bill :-/ "C'mon Son". Anywho the lobby looks vintage and seasoned and to the left is the front desk and the right is the casino entrance (the casino is going to be trouble). I check in and as I walk the humid sunny path to the garden rooms I'm welcomed by an enormous tree. Anyone who knows me is aware of my mild case of megalophobia (fear of large objects). This isn't just any tree, ill be sure to upload a picture so you can see. I turn my head quickly so the site of the tree doesn't overwhelm me only to be greeted by another one right outside of the room entrance near the pool. This shall be an interesting trip, I'm sure the locals will think I'm crazy after they see me jump left and right when these gigantic vine filled trees taunt me while at the pool.

Moving on to the room, the hallway leaves much to be desired but the room brightens me up a bit. Their version of a mini bar is three small bottles of liquor and a bag of chips on top of the fridge but... hey its something I guess. The quality of the room is acceptable and I try not to judge the rooms too much especially when I didn't want to get involved in the selection process. I'm kinda the "just pick something and tell me how much I owe" sort of gal.

So now I'm making myself cozy and unpacking. The other ladies don't arrive for a few more hours so its just me and the pool and the trees for now. Think ill go for a dip and layout or maybe a mojito at the beach bar ... hmmmm?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Itaintallaboutyou

Have you ever done or said something and then instantly wish you hadn't? Well, that would be me at 730am this morning. I was sitting on the Bolt Bus to NYC and had my bookbag in the other seat to get situated. I know completely that I pay for one seat and don't mind when someone ask to sit next to me. I've mastered sleeping in the window seat and not drooling on my seatmates shoulder. Anywho, this lady gets on with her two little boys and stops at my seat to say "Is anyone sitting here?". In the amount of time it takes to snap your finger, I had responded "No, but are one of your kids gonna sit next to me?" And I didn't say it very nice.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me or maybe "hell" or some negative spirits is what's wrong with me. I still can't believe I even said it. It was like in that split second, I thought "I been working in the sun for two days, just got off 3 hours ago and I'm on this 730am 4-hour long bus, so naw lady your rugrat can't sit with me, keep it movin!". Now I know people think this all the time but what made me say it??? It came out with no hesitation, well a brief hesitation. I had a flashback of her screaming at one of her boys earlier before I boarded the bus. So she says "Yes one of my kids" which in her mind meant "Beee-yach, did you just talk bad about my kids?". As I proceeded to move my bookbag she was like "Don't worry about it" which in her mind meant "We don't need yo damn seat no way!". Now I'm in my seat and more people board and a lady sits next to me and I didn't even think twice about huffing and puffing because I know she won't be bumping me and screaming back to her brother or mother in the seat behind her. I started to feel so bad, I mean my conscience kicked in through all the drowsiness of my 90 minutes of sleep last night. So much that it hurt me that I hurt her. People were still boarding and moving around but I was like I gotta get up right now and apologize. Apologize E-MEE-CHEE-IT-LEE BJ! I walk back and find her and tell her that this was outside of my character and what I said to her was really rude and I apologized. She just looked at me and said very lightly "OK". That's all I could ask for as I ran back to my seat with my tail between my legs. I still felt so bad that I started to tear up as I sulked in my seat. I had to tell myself that I'm human and that I make mistakes but I apologized and learned a lesson today which is all I'm obligated to do. It disturbed me so much what I had done that as tired as I was I couldn't go to sleep. I was being ugly and God don't like ugly so he gave me heavy conscience at that moment as my punishment which I totally deserved.

The lesson learned here is to myself and anyone reading. Its not always all about you, the person next to you can be just as tired or just as broke or just as whatever you may be going through and worse. When it is all about you make sure its all about how YOU treat others, and what wrongs can YOU make right, or what kind of person do YOU want to be remembered as and act as such. My Daddy aint raise no fool and I was sure acting like one. I'm just so thankful that I had the courage to swallow that lump in my throat and apologize. For all I know she could be traveling to see a sick loved one or leaving a horrible relationship or something else traumatic and I just made her day that much worse by being rude.

You never know who you talking to when you speak so you should choose your words wisely. Humbled and Tired, signing off!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Trouble Makers

"Why is it that the people your mind knows you should stay away from are the very ones that your heart wants you to be the closest to?"

I asked this question on my Facebook and Twitter page and got some good feedback. I posed the question because I've been bombarded by the men of my past in the recent months and definitely this weekend. If I had a dime, nickel, a penny even for all the unavailable men my heart got attached to... you know the rest... I'd be rich. I titled this entry trouble makers because while my heart is way too loving and can justify me being with anyone of these men I know they are all trouble. When it comes to my trouble makers, the more my heart desires them the more trouble they can usually bring. You can say I've somewhat been on the prowl lately being single and living in two major cities. So when you add my barely 30 hormones into the mix, were definitely brewing up something juicy.

Over the past few days, I've chatted, reconnected, entertained, flirted via Facebook, Twitter and text with the men of my past. Kind of sounds like the ghost of my past and maybe its appropriate because I'm haunted by the memories of good times with all these men but also by the pain and heartbreak that they caused. I didn't go out seeking these reconnections either they just seem to pop back into my life and usually at the same time... WEIRD! So why do I still desire some of these men...that brings me back to my original question. Not sure how to answer, but have you ever been with someone and had an amazing time whether it be just one day, a few months, or for some in my case years of on and off passion and excitement? I have shared great times with most of these men I keep referring to, and although still recovering from a dagger in the heart with some, I find that in no specific amount of time I'm always able to let bygones be bygones with these men. I'm always willing to dust myself off and get back in the Love Game. Some of the Facebook responses went to the fact that the heart is not made to make rational decisions and that's what the mind is for. One friend quoted "Trust me now, Thank me later" as a statement from your mind when battling with emotional decisions. Those all sound good and are surely true, my dad is always saying you have to take the emotion out of a situation to think clearly. People with big hearts are just more challenged than the rest I guess. My heart is always getting me into trouble and I use the word "heart" to say my feelings or emotions. I don't fall in love with every guy I meet...lol... but my saying is "I don't believe in regrets, I believe in lessons learned". There will always be someone around to give you sound advice and you may hear what they're saying and still turn around and make the most emotional irrational decision because you followed your heart and not your mind. Is that so horrible??? (big shoulder shrug) I have learned lessons from all my experiences and it has made me a stronger person with love and I've become more equipped to fight off the trouble makers with each heartbreak. Bruised but not Broken.

As I said earlier these heart throbs have the potential to bring trouble back into my world. Anyone of them can have me up all night waiting for a call back, thinking about them first thing in the morning, cancelling all my plans to run away on a last minute trip and just completely lose my mind and all common sense. And why is it that they think they have the right to call me up and cause trouble in my life again? They know what they've done in the past and some of them know full and well that if given another chance they will chew me up and spit me out again but that doesn't stop them from trying. Testing me out to see if they can get just one more chance. There are some of my past flames that if given the chance may do right by me but its only a possibility and that's not a chance my heart should be willing to take anymore. So I leave with this last question, "If I allow any one of these mystery men, who like to pop in and out of my life, have another go at my heart then who is really the Trouble Maker, them or me?"

Story Tellers

The more I get into my blog, the more I want to read other people entries and see what they're expressing. When I first started this blog I didn't tell anyone about it because it wasn't for show, it was for me to have an outlet. This world of blogging is so intriguing to me now that I've joined it. I've found some great bloggers that have amazing purposes for their blogs and some that just want to vent or share their experiences. Everyone has a story to tell and everyone's story deserved to be heard. It's motivating to read these stories and hear others talked about thier journeys and how they've overcome obstacles. We're all in the Rat Race of Life trying to succeed and its refreshing to know I'm not the only crazy person that has challenges and dilemnas and thoughts. Not that I ever thought I was the only one but it feels good to hear others express it. We get so caught in the hustle that we don't take time to reflect on our lives and accomplishments and just breathe! I said just stop and BREATHE! Blogging is like a big sigh of relief when you get a story out of you. Especially if you have something that needs to be said but no immediate audience to hear it. Hugs to blogger.com and other sites alike and much success and bayooteefull entries to my fellow bloggers.

Bad Ass Roller Coaster Rush

So many of my creative friends are always saying you just gotta keep movin and the success will come. I know this to be true, I'm a recovering Jamaican with all the side jobs and gigs I used to juggle. I think now because I cut back so much on the side jobs and extra activities, to completely focus on modeling and acting, that I'm losing my drive. When I was back and forth to NY and Philly and bartending here and hostessing there and ripping the runway over yonder I was nonstop. I didn't worry as much about relationships and love and being home sick and all the stuff my mind is jumbled with these days. I mean Ive always been a hustler and I'm sure I always will be but I need that spark back. It was good to have idle time after my mom passed and other events to settle myself and clear my head. I really needed to take time for me and be with my family. I will always miss my family when I'm away and always wish I had more hours in a day to be Super BJ. However, I know that I need to get back on my grind to move to the next steps of my career and to get my sanity back. This down time and loneliness are driving me absolutely freaking crazy.

Hopefully the bartending gig will prove to be beneficial, financially and career wise as far as networking. A friend of mine just graduated from a two year acting program and she has motivated me to sincerely make a decision about my acting career and take steps if that is a path I still want to go down. I'm shooting the pilot to a TV series next week and that will be a first and hopefully open more doors. I have a few things in the works for the hosting world and really need to get cracking down on that avenue. I spent most of the day working on strategies to further brand myself as I know that this will be a major key to my furthered success. Getting my name out there and letting people know who I am and what I can do.

All this isn't possible without first cleansing myself from the inside on a personal level. So I get that I had to jump through some of the hoops and have more to come. I was mentally a mess a year ago and have come so far in my spirituality, maturity, and just my life overall. I do get down at times and steer off track occasionally but I wouldn't be human if I didn't. I need to keep it movin and look forward to the success of my future. I cant get caught up in my past or the downs of my present situation. While I'm keeping it movin on this path to greatness, I plan to leave lots of humble dust for the haters and naysayers to eat... ha ha ha! I'm ready to take this blog to the next level, my body and spirit to the next level, and my bag of trades and skills to the next level. Ive been up and down through loops and ran so fast down some roads and turned slow and steady through others, plunging head first into dark holes and shooting up to the sky with amazing power. I feel like my life is a roller coaster ride so stay with me for this ride and I promise to continue making it a bad ass roller coaster rush.

A Friend?

Amigo! 朋友! صديق! amico! venn! друг!

No matter what language you say it in a friend is a friend or at least thats how it should be, right? I started this entry back in June 2010 and never got past the first sentence. Im revisiting it again today (January 2011) and wonder if I'll finish and even more so have the balls to send it if i do finish. I have to ask myself why is a blog about friendship so challenging to write and what might I be afraid to say in this entry that makes me hesitant? I did an exercise this morning where i had to rate the level of fulfillment in certain areas of my life. Friends, romance, spirituality, play, work, and exercise were the categories. Ironically, I knew without a doubt that i felt fulfilled in the friends category. I compared that ranking against the other categories and said "Yeah, that's right, i have some really awesome friends". It didn't sit so well with me that I ranked myself low in the spirituality category and I immediately knew why i feel this way. Another exercise was to draw a circle and write topics and people who support you in it that you want to protect for now and people you may want to stay away from for now on the outside. These are exercises to help find your creativity and protect your artist in the meantime. It was very interesting as i pondered where names should go. Even more so, people who i couldn't place in either part of the circle that i would have imagined would be a no brainer. This effects my feelings about my spirituality because some of those names on the outer circle are there simply because i cant find it in my heart to love these people even with a Godly love I'm still hesitant with these people. It weighs me down to admit that I cant find positive energy for some people and that i can't show them the same love that God shows me. I have to look deeper into that. The names of friends that had no placement on the paper are equally disturbing. I need to take a deeper look into these relationships and into myself and see what's missing or what the challenge is. I've come to a pre-mature conclusion that friends are not just friends, like it's some sort of word you just throw around and say "oh that's just a friend". Friends are people, human beings with lives and circumstances just like me. Circumstances that shape them and effect how they act and interact with me and vice versa. Not all people are meant to be friends, not all friendships are meant to or will last forever. I am certain of one thing, that all friendships and relationships, for that matter, have a purpose and a course to run. Sometimes what seems like a doomed friendship can turn into the best you've ever known while stronger ones die down and come to an end. I guess that with any relationship that may be coming to an end or beginning, you just have to be honest with yourself and them. Do you need this person in your life, can you handle this person in your life, will having this person in your life make you a better person? It's nice when the answer is yes, but, when it's no or a ridiculously huge question mark, the challenge begins. To be continued...

Peace y'all!

Home Sick

"There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you" - Maya Angelou

I haven't blogged in a week and I wasn't sure what to write about today. I told myself there doesn't always have to be something bad or something juicy to write about. This blog was meant to be like a journal for me, a way to express the thoughts and stories inside of me. So I'll just speak from my heart and let out whats inside of me. I've been all over the place this past week, my nieces bday party in DE, Sex and the City movies with the college friends in VA, spending QT with my homie in Bmore, chilling with my Daddy in DC, and I only stayed at my apartment in Jersey one day. I think if I had to give a theme for this past week it would be "Home Sick".

I see my sisters and nieces maybe once a month, sometimes even less, and it always feels great to see my babies. My youngest niece is starting to talk and the oldest one turned six and the middle one acts more like her mother every time I see her. They grow up so fast and if you blink you miss it all. I was fortunate to have an amazing Auntie growing up and I would love to give that to my nieces. I wish I could spend more time with them and turn them into divas like me... hee hee hee, so they can drive their mama crazy just like we did ours. I got to see my baby sissie and her boyfriend too at the bday party. I always worry about her because she's my baby too and I think she finally found a good guy to be with and seems to be really happy so I worry less about her which makes me extremely happy. As I watched my sisters interact with their mates it touches a sensitive spot for me because I'm the only single sibling. My brother is also married with kids in Texas and I'm going to see him next week for his sons high school graduation, man I'm getting old. Anywho, seeing them happy in love makes me a bit sad sometimes that I still haven't found a suitable candidate...lol but I know itll happen for me in time. I'm always happy to my siblings and appreciate all the time we share.

Sex and the City 2 was a fantabulous movie and I can never get enough of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and of course Samantha. My girlfriends always look at me when Samantha does something crazy and say "that's you BJ". I'll take that because she definitely lives by her own set of rules and flips the bird to anyone who dare challenge her... ha ha ha. Of course I got all dolled up with my makeup and cute dress and heels, wouldn't be me if I didn't. We went out for dinner and drinks afterwards and then after a yummy Margarita I zoomed safely over to Georgetown for my girls bday party. Didn't take long before the cocktails, champagne, and shots were passed my way. Oh lawd, "I have to get up early people, stop it stop it OK this is the last one"...I'm such a pushover. We drank and danced and took a million pictures and made tons of memories that night. I had a great time with all my friends at home and again wish I had more time to spend with them. More time to sit and just listen to whats new with them or let them drive me crazy cuz that's what friends do. But I love them.

My time in Bmore was very emotional this week with my "homie", lets call him Shrek. I've known him for over a year and we've gotten closer over the past few months. There isn't a topic that's off limits with us so its very refreshing to have this kind of male friend. He's like my go-to-guide to understand how men think and it has helped me put a lot into perspective about my past relationships with men. It's scary to trust someone enough to open yourself up and be 100% vulnerable around them. Shrek makes everything so easy for me and I am so appreciative for that. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't find a way to complicate things :-/ I've never known this kind of honesty and friendship from a man so its addictive and I definitely want more now. Not just more from him but more from any man in any type of relationship. My expectations have changed because he has shown me that not all men are bums and assholes (although the ones I've dated in the past definitely fit that description). Even if Shrek and I just remain friends, I feel confident that I will find someone to make my Daddy proud and make me ohhhhh so very happy in love. And once again, I wish I had more time to spend with Shrek but everything happens for a reason and in time.

It goes without saying that I spent time with my Dad during this week. He had a leak from the AC unit so I helped him clean it up and drain water after I stumbled home at 3am from the Georgetown party. I sobered right up and put on sweatpants to climb up in the ceiling and help the old man. We spent the next morning doing the same thing and then I called a repair man to come out at 7am the next day because enough was enough. He barely spoke English and it was hilarious listening to my father try to communicate with him. My dad was speaking very slow and broken English sentences as if that would help the man understand him. I love my Daddy and I enjoy being there for moments like this when he needs me. It makes me sad to think of him being alone and not having someone there to help him if he wanted or needed it. I wish I could always be there for my father whenever he needed anything so he would never feel alone or sad. I know that's a big wish but I still dream big just like a five year old and all kids look up to their parents and want to see them happy.

Soooo... I'm definitely Home Sick and there is no substitution for the remedy. All I need is some good ole quality time with my friends, family, and loved ones. I just accepted a bartending job in DC on the weekends so at least I'm making some money down here in between spending time with the fam. I still have rent and bills to pay in NJ and a life to live and career to build so I know I cant always be home. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone elses and I know I'm challenged with my two worlds in New York and DC. These challenges are simply steps towards my greatness and will not be overlooked. Its always great to come home after a long rough week in NY to my family here in DC. I'm humbled by all the people and opportunities that continue to come my way and thank God everyday for giving me this life.

I started writing this entry early yesterday morning so now I've made new memories and stories this weekend that I'll share in the next entry. I start the bartending job tonight and I'm so nervous but I know how to adapt to new surroundings so this should be a "piece of pie". Ill chat with yall soon, signing Home Sick and Happy!