Relationship Truths

I know I have a strong light that shines. But sometimes I let the darkness around me impact my shine and it seems dim. Other times I allow the darkness of my past to impact my shine causing it to seem dim.

This past week or two have been a bundle of occurrences that I've allowed to make me feel my light was dim. [Sidenote: I choose my words carefully because a pure light can't be dimmed by insignificant occurrences but our minds can trick us into believing so.] My patience for others was at an all time low mostly due to physical exhaustion with such a busy schedule. But I began to realize some of my impatience and lack of loving words and actions towards others is more deeply rooted. My previous 40-day fast revealed a lot to me about relationships and I recognized that God is taking me through a season of restoration, transformation, and removal with several relationships in my life. I've had intense conversations to very calm disagreements with folks in this new year and it's all part of this process. Learning to see some of these "attacks" as the tests from God that they truly are is helping me to shake off the frustration and impatience, allowing Him to work through the situation. What I mean is that at first glance it's so easy to look at a relationship challenge and think, "What the heck is wrong that person? I cant believe they did this or said that! Why Me?". And for us Christian folks, we can get all huffed up thinking the enemy is on the move and get so wound up in fighting his attempts that we forget to simply look to God and seek wisdom. I've been grabbing scripture for the circumstances and praying day and night over stuff, thinking "Devil you wont get me this time". What's funny is that now I'm a bit more calm about situations and by allowing God to work it out I see that all He really needed me to do was sit back, shut up and just let my light shine. Even with the relationship challenges I haven't spoken verbally to people, all I have to do is relax and let my light shine. My light being the joy in my heart no matter what the circumstance. My understanding that I'm not fighting these people or what they did but God and I together are fighting the spiritual war going on in these circumstances. My light is a boldness that I walk in confidently speaking what I've been taught and believing its truth. Sometimes I get so worked up in my thinking and praying about trying to put a fire out or stop the enemy from having any power over me that I forget about God...and that aint what I was taught.

I'm learning first and most importantly to just be quiet until He says to speak. In relational matters, the enemy would prefer we respond instantly on our emotions, making a fool of ourselves and of the teachings of God. But we know better. Most times my emotions or need to "fight this battle" disappears by waiting on that wisdom to come before speaking. I see more clearly that it's not a priority and/or worth my energy at all. When He does convict me to move on circumstances, I find myself speaking without angry hurtful words and finding a peace to move on from that challenge whether we agree or agree to disagree.

Relationships have been the theme of my life in this new year and it is exhausting. I mean does anyone really love to debate, argue, talk it out or anything of the sort with a whole bunch of people at once??? I sure don't, but obviously my relationships on every level need some cleansing so God has strapped on His rubber gloves and is getting busy. I welcome this season though because I know ultimately it will serve me in healing from old hurts, hopefully heal someone I may have hurt from past hurts, and release any strongholds on my life with these relationships. I just gotta stay true to what I'm learning and believe what God says about me is true and hear it louder than anyone's voice. My acting coach said "What is there to defend if you're walking in your truth?" and that sums it up. I don't need to be defensive and fight all these battles, my truth will speak for itself and my truth is God and the healing power of His love.

Peace yall!

Pretty Girl Confessions - Temple Body

I successfully, yet nervously, delivered a message to my young ladies about our Temple Bodies and how we should treat them. It was emotional for me because of my testimony and also empowering because of my testimony. The lessons and healing of damages from my past give me boldness to encourage others not to walk down the same path. I shared with the girls about feeling like I've given a piece of my soul to each person I've been intimate with and I got a little choked up. But I'm grateful I was able to share that I've been redeemed and feel like a born again virgin. God has made me whole and given me a clean slate to treasure my Temple Body. I found myself speaking boldly at times with the ladies about the smallest acts that can lead us to defiling our bodies. I recalled my adolescent years when I was pretty much exposed every bit of skin I could in the warm seasons. I don't have a voluptuous body so I didn't have boobies and booty hanging out but I was definitely revealing all the skin I could, short of "my goods". I touched briefly on foul language, healthy eating and exercise as forms of maintaining your Temple Body but I really went in on the topic of sex and those things leading up to sex.

Where I'm at in life right now, actions like kissing, intimate dates, late night phone calls, sharing of intimate life details and others are caution areas. I say this because they lead up to the lust we can gain for that person on the receiving end and I have no intention of proceeding romantically with them, so why entertain or display this behavior. God is making me very aware of my flirty behavior and the mixed messages it can send and even the temptations I can unknowingly be stepping into. Now I'm not saying you cant have heart to hearts and hang out with the opposite sex. I'm stating that I'm evaluating MY strengths and weaknesses as I strive to gain my purity back and making wise decisions around that knowledge. For me, a date can lead to another date which leads to romantic emotions leading to a kiss which leads to more passionate kisses then on to spooning and groping and touching which will lead to sex if I'm not so careful. None of these things were off limits for me in the past and I didn't possess the strength to have a reasonable cut off point that didn't lead to sex. And honestly, what is a reasonable cut off point??? Shall I say to God "I'm just gonna kiss him, let him touch my booty, maybe even go a bit further, but we not gonna have sex so you cant say I sinned!"...Really?! So for me, God is expanding my understanding on this definition of purity and how I treat my body and mandate that others treat it. I'm certainly not passing judgement on anyone who thinks otherwise, just trying to encourage you to give it some thought and evaluate your own situations.

Peace yall!

Parx Casino commercial

Here's the commercial spot for the Parx Casino out of Pennsylvania. Had a blast working with these ladies. You can also find us on billboards on the East Coast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZJhMlTftZw





Peace yall!

My Life as a Model

I Think I'm In Love

I haven't talked about my relationships in a while and won't spend too much time in the details, you can recap my blog for past challenges. I've been preparing a message to speak to the teen ladies this week and God spoke this morning to me about what I've known all along. I share often that I had a promiscuous adolescent and adult life which is rooted in a void that I tried to fill with sex, boyfriends, alcohol and such. Being delivered yet still healing from that past I've really been focusing on my relationship with God. Allowing Him to fill that empty space with His love and He has done just that. Some days I get lonely and tell God that I love Him but it would be nice to have an Earthly man too. But He speaks to me clearly and reminds me "It isn't time for that yet", so I obey. Some of the guys who try to hit on me have made jokes that I'm married to God and one even went as far to say or imply that God can't fulfill me sexually, but I'm not even entertaining that. God is very intimate with me and it ain't got nothing to do with sex. (Sidenote: In-ti-ma-cy is "In to me see", If the person you laying down with can't see into your soul or you don't love yourself enough to show your innermost parts to someone than that's not intimacy, that's just sex... I'm Just Sayin) Getting back on track, some of those folks were joking but they're actually speaking the truth. I am married to God and He is a better husband than I could've dreamed up.

He is my provider so I don't worry about my needs because my hubby has it under control. He pays my bill, allows me to pamper myself, put this awesome roof over my head, the truck I drive and so much more than just the material things. He is my comforter and confidant so I can go to Him with every intimate detail and cry on His shoulder. He listens and gives great advice, even when I don't want to hear it, so I say He's my best friend. He wrote me a whole book of love letters to remind me of just how much He loves me, I read it each day in this fancy Black leather book. He wraps His loving arms around me at night as we lay together and dream, plus He's right there when I wake up each morning staring in my face saying "Good Morning Beautiful". He pours into me, strengthens and increases me, He wants the best for me and would never attempt to diminish my value and hold me back from greatness. He is my soul mate and I love Him so much.

I realize this may be difficult for some to process but when you truly build a relationship with God and allow Him to do His work in you, you will absolutely fall in love with God. He will treat you better than anyone else can and once you allow Him to complete you, He will give you the desires of your heart. No more broken relationships for me, no thanks. Of course, I desire one day to have an Earthly husband but if he can't bring it like God can than I think I'll pass. Can't nobody give it to me like God can.

Peace yall!

My Cat

My acting exercise last night was so powerful to me and I wanted to share. Hope you enjoy.

I step into the center and embrace my inner 5-year old by playing double dutch, dancing, primping, and giggling. I shift into my Actors Fear, slow at first, but found my truth quickly and through tears released "I don't know how to do it!" "I'm not worthy!" "Are you sure it's me?". I was crying so hard and real that all I could do was recall the action of a cat cleaning themselves as I fell to my knees. So I move into my Animal, still crying and displaying cat like actions. As I come out to Conquer my fear I begin licking my wounds and stroking my face with my paws. Trying to comfort myself, rubbing my head against my shoulders, still clearing my tears with my paws. I'm growing stronger and I begin to fight and swat my claws at the cats circling me and meowing with a loud streak-like sound. Similar to a mate call when in heat and ready to birth something inside of me. As I move into my Triumph I begin to swat less and I want to share my triumph with the other cats. I approach them cautiously, inquisitively, scared to make eye contact, then move in to rub my head against theirs and meow my love to them. I pass by several cats and share more meows with the ones my heart is purring towards. They rub heads back and I notice other cats wanting, waiting to rub heads but I pass by...its not time for that yet. I begin to WIN as I stand to my feet and twirl, crying continually with my hands raised to the sky. I see through the ceiling of the building confining me and raise my hands to the sky, twirling and crying and smiling saying "Thank You, Thank You!". One hand raised after the other, twirling, "Thank You!" twirling, crying, "Thank You!" smiling, embracing this moment. "Thank You, I know I can do it with you!"

It felt so great and free to love and live in that moment. I thought I was coming to portray a Lion which represents a mature, strong, bold, conquering, powerful feline. But what I realized is I'm a cub and yet I still displayed strength, power, boldness, and I conquered. Praise God for this epiphany and the direct relation to my spiritual life not just my artistic life. I can embrace my cub and be bold as I grow into the Lioness He created me to be. Thank you for the freedom to release in a public forum.

Peace yall!

The Script of My Life

The more I allow myself to dream and see where my career as an actress can go, the more I have to be realistic about the industry I work in. My transition into Film and TV has had one major roadblock besides the slothfulness previous mentioned... and its NUDITY!!! Now I'm not saying everything on the screen has to have sex and nudity but why does everything have to have sex and nudity LOL!?!? I've submitted myself for short films, student films, and such with slim pickings for roles that don't contain nudity, implied nudity or some dark demonic character (which is what every other project is about...vampires and demons). Profanity even challenges me from time to time but my acting coach helped me to understand it a bit. Even more so, after a heated discussion with other Christian actors I've come to more revelation.

It's no secret that I'm a Christian and to most who knew me before I was saved it's also no secret that I had a lot of challenges and still do. Most of us born-again Christians have come from some darkness or else we wouldn't be "born again". Keeping in mind what I've been delivered from I see portraying my old character in a project as an opportunity to shine light. The roles of a promiscuous, naive, insecure, untrusting, defensive, lust-filled, potty mouth, scantily clad dressed, abandoned and unloved young woman are in the majority of the projects out there. The dark behavior of these characters depict me at various points in my life. To get it in my head that I'm saved, I can't do this because I'm saved and God won't approve is very limited thinking. The idea that "I could bring realness to a character and tell not just my story but the story of pretty much every young girl out there who isn't saving herself for purity or battling some other evil" is the bigger picture. Don't misunderstand, I'm not about to jump out the box butt naked and just getting it in on camera, but this does open me up a bit more to consider roles. I have to pray over every opportunity and be sure it is of God's purpose before moving forward.

I work with young woman three days a week here in NYC and see them on the streets everyday, even observe the young woman in my family. These roles of nudity, sex, drugs, abusive/unhealthy relationships and so on are in most projects because it's the reality they walk in everyday. Society is drawn to these projects because they can relate unfortunately. I would love to bring light to their darkness and have a character find God at the end of her troubles. Even if the script isn't written that way, I have a platform to talk about a character I might play and how that translates to real life and still get God's light in there. Interviews, blogs, tweets, however... I'm gonna get some light up in this industry. This is a vision I have and God willing it'll happen. The script of my life is all up in some of these projects and I want a piece of it to have my story told the right way...Your story too!

Peace yall!