Full Circle

My road trips are always a time for deep thought and reflection. The open road puts me in a trance and all sorts of things start coming to mind. I realized that in so many ways my life has come full circle one year later to the challenges I previously faced. The only difference is my Faith in God is so much stronger and comforts me as I endure these trials.

I find myself battling the fear of loneliness, which was so heavy on my heart just a year ago as I prayed everyday for God to give me a companion. But today, I know that God has inserted people and opportunities into my life to lift me up and surround me with love so I'll never be lonely if I look around me and inside me for His love.

I'm reminded that my mother has passed to a better place as I sit on the anniversary eve of her Barbados ceremony and a just few months short of the 3 year mark of her passing. This time last year was devastating for me, coming to the epiphany of just how much a maturing woman needs her mother's love. But through Faith, I know that I can talk to her spirit and that I'll see her again at the appointed time. I find strength in memories of laughter and love when she was here to console me. Although I'm not traveling to Barbados tomorrow as I had planned, I'm still close to her. Only God Knows, but maybe I'll be there in November.

Coming full circle, I'm challenged with family circumstances that weren't resolved last year this time. I stay in prayer and trust that this time, because I'm getting the Lord involved, some things are gonna change.

There are some less than desirable friendships, health concerns, inappropriate mindsets and lack of motivation that have all crept back into my world. However, God is closing doors left and right and I ain't nothing but grateful to sit back and wait on Him. He has the strength to do some things in my life that I would never do, leaning on myself. But that's why were supposed to trust His ways and not our own.

In closing, I have had a sorrow filled month or two but I'm positive for tomorrow's outcome because I'm looking at my full circle for the shape that it is. These circumstances are adding to my character and making me the well rounded being God intended. Not incomplete as in a half circle or semi perfected in His glory. But a full circle, complete and strengthened perfectly in Christ.

Blogging Is Therapy! Peace yall

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

The Death of Common Sense

A dear loved one shared this email with me and I said "wow, more people need to hear this". So here ya go.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

Hanging In There

You ever wonder what people really mean when they say, "I'm hanging in there"? Usually this response follows a question about our current status while experiencing some challenges. Most times we're deeply troubled or struggling with a tribulation and yet we answer with that common response that suggests we are doing just fine. This was surely my answer when one of my Pastors asked how are things going at Sunday service last week. But after the sermon was given, I had a different understanding of "Hanging In There" that stuck with me this week.

Pastor's message was about dying daily and simply hanging on the cross as Jesus did some years ago. He made comparisons between the trials Jesus endured and our daily life experiences. He encouraged us to do what Jesus did and just hang and endure the circumstances, trusting and being ever faithful in God's promises. The more Pastor illustrated this hanging on the cross, the more I realized the resemblance in my definition of Hanging In There.

To me it means, "Yes I'm going through some stuff right now but I won't complain because I'm trusting God". Therefore, when you ask how am I doing, I won't respond by bursting into tears, nagging your ear off with my struggles, and overloading you (a fellow human with no Godly powers) with my whoas. But because I'm trusting and confiding in the Lord, I know that in time He will work things out on my behalf, so I choose to simply Hang in There. Hang on, be patient and pray for peace until God's promises come to light. Hang on and keep my mouth shut when I really want to scream to anyone who listens about all the stuff that is going on in my life. Hang on and focus on the blessings I do have instead of the ones I have yet to receive.

I do internalize a lot of my pain and some close to me say I just need to let it out. But the Bible doesn't say cast your cares on every person that comes along and ask how are you. It says to cast all your cares on God. So I encourage us all to Hang In There and wait a little while as God does his work. Choose to Hang on and persevere through your current challenges, being Faith-filled and Trusting in God.

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

A Beyonce Life

I've never considered myself a Beyonce fan, but she's been such a presence in my mind lately. While on a shoot last week, someone mentioned that she revealed her pregnancy on the VMAs or something. It shocked me how determined I was to YouTube the video and see it for myself. I only caught a snippet of the ending where she opened her jacket, rubbed her belly, and then smiled with a glow that I can only hope to experience one day. It was also a heart wrencher to see JayZ behind the scenes overjoyed. Moving on, I randomly picked up the July Essence mag while having quiet time at home. It's the issue where Bey wrote her own story and opened up about a lot. I couldn't help but feel her joy through the article and I swear everytime she wrote the words "my husband" it did something to me. Let me rewind a bit and recall when I saw her Billboard Awards performance and she ended with "I love me some JayZ" with a grin from ear to ear. Again I felt a tingle in my body for what that love feels like. Ok so now onto today as I finally listen to her new album "4" and even more I'm touched by certain songs and just reflect on her story and how it relates to me.

I'm experiencing a bit of sadness enduring a long distance relationship. But I'm realizing that if I want a Beyonce type happy ending I have to sacrifice and focus just as she did. In her article, she talked about how her schedule wasn't her own and that she longed for free time to live life and enjoy her husband and family. But she knew that she had to be disciplined and focused if she wanted success. As I pull into NYC at quarter to midnight to get back to my hustle, I know the same is true for me. I get sad when I have to leave my love and am reminded that my family and close ones are so far away. But observing a few things about Beyonce just motivates me to get on my grind, keep my eye on the goals, and trust that God will give me that season of rest and joy on His time. If Beyonce had to put in years upon years of sacrifice surely I can do the same. My career is really just taking off, so let me not get ahead of myself and cut my success short being too eager to get the future. My Patience will help me endure this time and at the appointed time I shall reap my own "Beyonce Life".

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

Dear Boss...

Dear Boss,

How come you keep skipping me over for a promotion? I've worked my tail off with every project you've given me. Put in overtime several nights, worked diligently through the deserving hours of break I require. And yet, still you keep saying "Job well done but not this time!". I mean what does an employee have to do to excel in this company. You say I'm too argumentative and need to learn to follow, stop trying to fight and defend myself all the time. Ok, tried that. Humbled myself and submitted to you but now I feel overworked and underpaid. And I'm trying not to be that nagging employee that always screaming for my Equal Opportunity Rights but damn! I know... I know I get out of hand sometimes and don't display the professionalism written in your handbook. I am human, ya know. And yes I know I slack off at times and don't fulfill everything in my job requirements. But I'm a loyal employee. I could be searching for other projects that I feel better suit my capabilities but Boss when you say work with what I gave you I listen. I'm just asking for a break, please. But its cool I'll except the write-ups and visits to Human Resource, reminding me to stay focused on my job descriptions and not compare my accomplishments to the other employees. But why do they get to move to another department? Why do they get the promotion, the perks, the corner office with the friggin window view? What the hell??? And yet, you still pat me on the back and say "Good job but not yet!". I'm sick of this sh*t! I'm losing my patience and before you give me another damn pink slip, how about I pat you on the back and say "Dear Love... I QUIT!!!"

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

The Touch, The Feel of ...

I'm reading the chapter in "the Five Love Languages" about physical
touch and several things stand out in my mind. The book mentions how
actions like placing a hand on a loved ones shoulder in passing or a
quick hug are simple quick displays of love. I recall my Dad and how
often he does that, he could be passing by from the kitchen to the
bedroom and he'll just squeeze my shoulder and it does scream "Love"
to me. I think of times when my man and I may be busily working on the
computer or having alone time in the same space and I may walk pass
him and rub his head or kiss him on the forehead and that definitely
is an expression of love.

The chapter does get into sexual physical touches and the arguments
for and against the biological need to fulfill sexual desires and
touch. I agree with the point that Christianity places major emphasis
on sex being a gift from God to be expressed between man and woman who
are in the covenant of marriage. Although I've given into this
temptation, I do strongly agree that sex isn't just a physical itch to
be scratched and desire to do better at appreciating it as a Godly
gift.

The book also made me reflect on how I express physical love to
strangers or people I interact with very rarely compared to how I
express it to loved ones I see often. I recall numerous times I've
greeted friends or associates with a huge smile and hug from the
excitement of seeing them or even at church when greeting new members.
And yet, with my family, sisters and closest girlfriends even, I
rarely greet them with the same enthusiasm or display of physical
love. That gives me something to think about and, of course, I could
make the argument that the language of physical touch is not my
primary langauge. But the book says that physical touch isn't about
fulfilling your desires for touch, its about fulfilling the other
person's need for affection in this manner. Even more so my argument
wouldn't hold up because I've just mentioned several times when it's
second nature for me to physically love others. I'm not sure what it
is that makes me feel more comfortable within seconds to share
physical love with a stranger like a hug or double smooches on the
cheek. Maybe some folks give warning signs that it's not their love
language and the book explains that this is normal. Some people simply
don't like to be touched. But am I actually aware and choose to give
this love to some and not others? If so, why do I do this? Like I
said, it's something to think about.

The Touch, The Feel of Love... The Purpose of Our Lives!!!

Peace yall!

Sent from my iPad

Pretty Girl Confessions 8.26.11

As I lay in bed reflecting on my behavior over the past few weeks, I ponder about my insecurities. What is it that makes us females insecure? Makes us doubt something in ourselves so strongly that we act out in ugly ways in an attempt to feel better? No matter how successful we become, how "pretty" we are, or how certain we are that inner beauty is more important. We often get this little monster inside of us that says something is wrong, off balanced, or not quite as perfect as we want it to be. We proceed to compare ourselves to others, lash out at the persons whom deny us that superficial validation, or other random acts that are guaranteed to disappointment our wounded mindset.

I've been praying this week for a release of negative thoughts and feelings. To let go of the things in me that welcome this behavior, these displays of low self-worth. There may always be hints of insecurity in me, traces of that teenage girl who didn't love her image, physically or spiritually. I know for certain that I will strengthen my inner voice day by day, if I just trust God's plan. Trust that He made me perfect for His purpose and not for my limited self-serving wants. Trust that my flaws and all are so bayooteefull and that whenever I seek validation to look up. Not left, not right, not even in the mirror at my reflection because no one can diminish me but myself and I do a great job of that. Just Look Up and pray for strength to battle my darkside and see the light. Amen? Amen!

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni