Dead Man Walking

It's been years since I watched the movie "Dead Man Walking" with Susan Sarandon. It was about the Christian woman assigned to oversee the execution of a murder/rapist in prison. I caught the last 20 minutes of the movie and it just ministered to me. I know its just a movie but the truth about our Lord Jesus is real.

The love that filled her heart to stay alongside him until the very end was a love that only comes from taking on God's heart. The forgiveness, repentance, confession and transformation that he experienced is evidence of the healing power of Christ and His gift of salvation on the Cross. Even the softening of the father of one of the murder victims' heart was evidence of the true forgiveness God calls us all too just as He forgave us. To see the movie close with the father kneeling for prayer in the church alongside the sister who shared a Godly love with the murderer of his child was so powerful.

But let me back up and say the most powerful message to me was that the Lord our God in real life is capable of and will save a sinner like this character. He was a murderer and a rapist among other things. So if the Lord can save him, forgive him, love him and offer him a seat in Heaven, how much more does He love me, forgive me, has given me salvation and is holding my seat and yours? And that's not to say that any one sin is greater than the other. But sometimes its hard for us to accept God's love when we hold ourselves guilty (condemnation) for what we've done. We don't feel deserving of a love as powerful and unconditional as the love of Christ. But I'm telling you its true and its for you and me and anyone who accepts the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior.

I love the Lord with all my heart and at 4am in the morning I'm so grateful to have this reminder in the midst of my insomnia. Hope it'll remind you too.

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

Everywhere!

I'm laying in bed smiling and so tickled at how God pops up in the most unexpected places. Last week I drove my sister to her doctors appointment and waited in the lobby for her. I'm reading about the womanly services they provide and ask if I qualify to be seen. [Sidenote: I'm a full time actress with no health insurance so I pay cash for all appointments.]

I'll make this next part short to get to the good stuff. They agree to make me a new patient, squeeze me in that day for a check-up and schedule a follow-up for the following week. I thought it was great and I was moved by the fact that its a ministry clinic that groups medical care with spiritual encouragement. They have mini bibles and books about purity, God, Sex, love and relationships that they hand out. They even have checklist questions about your salvation as part of procedure. Hallelujah God, people getting saved at the doctors office.

My icing on this cake was at my follow-up yesterday when I reached in to hug my nurse. Although this was my second time in her presence, I felt so much in the presence of family and couldn't wait to hug her before leaving the office. When I did, she squeezed me tighter and began to pray over me. I fell in line instantly and begin praising God in agreement with her prayer. I am so tickled and in awe at the boldness God places in a complete stranger to speak His words over me just by going in for a hug. It was like God appointed her to be there at that moment and pour into me. Did I mention we were still in the doctors office...like the patient room... Hallelujah! That man is everywhere! He reveals Himself more clearly to me at times and I'm so thrilled that I had to share. God Is Everywhere for all of us at all times. May your eyes be opened today to see Him!

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

I need you here

Its 6am and the truth just settled in. Something has been stirring up inside of me since I arrived to Dover on the bus. The drop off point was within a few steps of the house my mother lived in for years. Its crazy because I knew that the bus stop was next door but I've been so busy I guess it didn't register. Even as I got off the bus and waited for my ride I thought briefly how nice it would be to just walk home. Walk those few steps to her house and climb into her bed like I used to do so many nights when she was here. I didn't linger in sadness too long as its become a normal thing to try and do life without her here. I still felt a bit cranky and couldn't put my finger on it. As I lay here playing Gospel tunes in the bed it hit me. I was within steps of her house yes but it was also the place where she took her final breaths of air, where she made her transition, where I laid by her side and looked into her eyes for the last time. Although I've drove past her house a few times over the years it hit me so hard this time and I don't know why. I've survived so many Mothers Day, could it simply be the holiday combined with being here? Maybe its the fact that I really feel I need her in my life to do those things only a mommy can do. Man I thought I'd gotten through the roughest patches of losing her. God has helped me rest in a peace knowing that she's with Him. But still at this moment none of that's matter, I just wish she was here. As my life transitions into bigger and greater accomplishments. As I process past hurts and receive healing, I need her here. As I see my family reuniting and growing along side me, we need her here. God where did my peace go and why did it have to leave this weekend of all times? Why do I have to relive that moment when everyone is asking "What are you doing for Mothers Day?". When everywhere I turn there a sign or a commercial about showing your mother how much you love her? Why????


- BJ Gianni
www.youtube.com/bjgianni
http://crazybayooteefull.blogspot.com
@bjgianni

Accusations

I was just thinking how discouraging it can be to have someone challenge your growth with accusations. Accusing you of the very things you're in prayer about and sincerely trying to get better at handling. It puts you in defense mode and has a reversing effect, at times, taking you back to that place you worked so hard to be delivered from. The strength and growth will become evident in how you conduct yourself moving forward with this awareness. Sometimes we don't know how strong or weak we are until tested. So we need collect our emotions, check our pride, and proceed with the good work that the Lord has started in us. We shall Praise God for the lessons that came out of the test and certainly don't hold any ill feelings towards the object or vessel used in that challenge. There will always be a "Blessin in the Lesson". Amen!

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 (King James Version)

Peace yall!

Spring Forward

I recall a conversation with my youth about what season best represents my life. A few months ago I said to them I was in a Fall season. "Leaves changing colors, dying and falling to the ground so new ones can bloom in the season ahead", this was exactly my life. Here's some of the new leaves sprouting on my tree:

- I'm so excited about the roots being planted in my new church home and I get more confirmation each week that Community Baptist is home. Yet I still feel at home when I'm in DC too, so I'm settling into having a home at each location and growing stronger with the church communities.

- I'm still exhausted with relational challenges in the ministries I serve on and with friendships. But really learning to accept people as they are and just be myself as well is all I can do, God has to do the correcting in me and them. I leave for Atlanta tomorrow and I trust that I wont return the same after this leadership conference. Going to let those folks pour knowledge and encouragement into me to strengthen me for my new season.

- Financially, I've been very conservative, pinching pennies more than usual since paid work is slow. Got some new business plans on the horizon and even today I received encouragement to pray, with expectation, bigger to God that He use the talents within me to generate revenue. I've been sharing my talents for free forever and understanding that I'm valuable and my time is deserving of a price tag feels great. Talking out my business plan with the Head Man in Charge and letting Him be my advisor, my board, my trustee, my shareholder and partner is so fulfilling.

- This little heart of mine is still mending yet still hopeful for new love to sprout in the seasons to come. I want total healing so I don't go into a relationship with baggage, brokenness or fear. I'm learning to trust more, be encouraged by my Brothers in Christ and take mental notes of the desirable characteristics. Im in admiration of some of the marriages God has placed in my presence but in a healthy way. They give me hope and joy for that kind of Godly relationship and love to be mine one day too.

- Family Life is holding steady. My baby sis got her own spot so I got my apartment all to me lonesome again. My other sis is ready to pop out that baby any second. Still cant believe my nephew will be 21 in a few months, Granny Pants feels a bit old LOL. I place the rest in God's hands to work His way through my family and have His will be done. I'm just gonna keep on praying.

- One of the biggest challenges has been my health and my body. I started to exercise this week for the first time in a while due to injuries. God is a healer so I trust that I'm on a road to recovery and will be back in shape sooner than later. I'm on my second spiritual fast of the year and its been a great cleanser for my body (TMI, I know) and bringing awareness to the crap I eat.

If the young folks were to ask me now, I'd say I'm definitely springing forward into my next journey. I think I'm in limbo somewhere between Fall and Spring. Ironically, my life has been somewhat consistent with the Winter/Spring/Confusion this season of nature has been. I've had the snow days (cold numb moments), rain showers (more crying than I've done in my lifetime), sun beaming days (full of pure joy and inner light shining), windy days (if you didn't hold on I just might have knocked you down on my warpath), and some crisp, clear skies with reasonable climate (just kicking back and going with the flow). I'm truly ready for Spring though, may the new leaves grow and I be planted by the rivers of water to bear much great fruit.

"And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper." Psalm 1:3 (King James Version)

Peace yall!

Pay Back

Three times this morning I received prayers from friends that God's favor be with me today. That got my morning going because I was ready to start my day and prepare for His favor coming. I'm doing my morning routine and catching up on monies due to me from agencies and Uh OH...Nothing! Not one red penny is due or will be due. At the moment I have no bookings in the works and no funds coming in...FAVOR???

As I write in my morning pages and begin to let the sorrow come over me I recall Daddy's conversation yesterday with me. He said that all too often we do things and sit with our hand out waiting for our reward. But we don't really know if the service we're doing at that moment will be rewarded with a blessing to come or if we're paying back for a previous blessing received. I heard that deep in my spirit. As I write further, I begin to praise God because I know His favor has been over me for quite some time so let me not go looking for something that's already here and take for granted what I got.

I'm walking in a dream that so many others desire and God has allowed me to be very successful, compensated with money and exposure. Of course, I desire increase in wealth but when I think of what He has given me that could've went to someone else I better just stop right there with the self pity. For every moment of financial stress I entertain, someone is getting evicted, forced to do things against their beliefs to make a buck, bouncing from place to place with no home to call their own, selling themselves short to make a living by any means necessary. All the while, my bills may be late and not paid yet but they will be and the list can go on of what I can potentially take for granted as someone else goes without. So if I never receive another blessing from this day forward, I will praise and serve God to pay back what I've been blessed to receive thus far. Thinking on my Daddy's words I know I'm paying back blessings of previous days when I certainly didn't deserve any of this but He saw fit to bless me anyway.

What have you been blessed with in this life and How can you serve God to pay it back or FORWARD actually?

Peace yall!

Relationship Truths

I know I have a strong light that shines. But sometimes I let the darkness around me impact my shine and it seems dim. Other times I allow the darkness of my past to impact my shine causing it to seem dim.

This past week or two have been a bundle of occurrences that I've allowed to make me feel my light was dim. [Sidenote: I choose my words carefully because a pure light can't be dimmed by insignificant occurrences but our minds can trick us into believing so.] My patience for others was at an all time low mostly due to physical exhaustion with such a busy schedule. But I began to realize some of my impatience and lack of loving words and actions towards others is more deeply rooted. My previous 40-day fast revealed a lot to me about relationships and I recognized that God is taking me through a season of restoration, transformation, and removal with several relationships in my life. I've had intense conversations to very calm disagreements with folks in this new year and it's all part of this process. Learning to see some of these "attacks" as the tests from God that they truly are is helping me to shake off the frustration and impatience, allowing Him to work through the situation. What I mean is that at first glance it's so easy to look at a relationship challenge and think, "What the heck is wrong that person? I cant believe they did this or said that! Why Me?". And for us Christian folks, we can get all huffed up thinking the enemy is on the move and get so wound up in fighting his attempts that we forget to simply look to God and seek wisdom. I've been grabbing scripture for the circumstances and praying day and night over stuff, thinking "Devil you wont get me this time". What's funny is that now I'm a bit more calm about situations and by allowing God to work it out I see that all He really needed me to do was sit back, shut up and just let my light shine. Even with the relationship challenges I haven't spoken verbally to people, all I have to do is relax and let my light shine. My light being the joy in my heart no matter what the circumstance. My understanding that I'm not fighting these people or what they did but God and I together are fighting the spiritual war going on in these circumstances. My light is a boldness that I walk in confidently speaking what I've been taught and believing its truth. Sometimes I get so worked up in my thinking and praying about trying to put a fire out or stop the enemy from having any power over me that I forget about God...and that aint what I was taught.

I'm learning first and most importantly to just be quiet until He says to speak. In relational matters, the enemy would prefer we respond instantly on our emotions, making a fool of ourselves and of the teachings of God. But we know better. Most times my emotions or need to "fight this battle" disappears by waiting on that wisdom to come before speaking. I see more clearly that it's not a priority and/or worth my energy at all. When He does convict me to move on circumstances, I find myself speaking without angry hurtful words and finding a peace to move on from that challenge whether we agree or agree to disagree.

Relationships have been the theme of my life in this new year and it is exhausting. I mean does anyone really love to debate, argue, talk it out or anything of the sort with a whole bunch of people at once??? I sure don't, but obviously my relationships on every level need some cleansing so God has strapped on His rubber gloves and is getting busy. I welcome this season though because I know ultimately it will serve me in healing from old hurts, hopefully heal someone I may have hurt from past hurts, and release any strongholds on my life with these relationships. I just gotta stay true to what I'm learning and believe what God says about me is true and hear it louder than anyone's voice. My acting coach said "What is there to defend if you're walking in your truth?" and that sums it up. I don't need to be defensive and fight all these battles, my truth will speak for itself and my truth is God and the healing power of His love.

Peace yall!