I sit and think about these things and what people say and my only response is "who would I be if I weren't in Christ?". Anything good that people see in me isn't of my own mind and doing. I am by habit judgmental, angry, critical, selfish, competitive, defensive and more. But the God in me, softens all this and makes me want to do things differently. When I judge and get critical, I'm reminded that God didn't judge and punish me according to what I did. When I'm angry and defensive, I'm reminded that my correction comes from the Lord and so does my definition, so just block out the haters. When I'm selfish or competitive, I'm reminded to do for others as God has done for me time and time again.
When folks label me as "too churchy" I have to laugh and not take it personal. I know for some its hard to process right now because they haven't reached their own reverence for God and His awesome hand in their lives. He's with them but they just can't see Him yet, their enlightenment will come. For those who serve a different God or no God at all and judge me, it doesn't make my God any less powerful because of your bashing. For those who can't let go of the old me and accept that God is the real deal for me and not for show...well maybe God hasn't revealed Himself to them as He has to me. I have testimony upon testimony of God's turnaround and love in my life. If it weren't for Him I'd be such the opposite of anything I am today. Current day God is taking me through some things and correcting my shortcomings. Its been most challenging for those who only know me after salvation and can't believe some of the "mess" I'm in. Even they have labeled me to be a perfect "incapable of mistakes" saint. They can't begin to process where I used to be before Christ and without ill intentions, they judge.
Let them describe me and I'm a celibate, only marrying a Pastor, never saying a curse word, rich and always working, don't ever get rejection, totally perfect Christian. This woman just doesn't exist or at least not in me anyway. I am far from perfect and I'm not too churchy. Where would I be if it weren't for God? If I didn't hang on Gods word how much "mess" from my past would I still be standing in? If I didn't profess my love of Christ and how awesome God is, wouldn't that be the phony BJ as opposed to the too churchy BJ that folks think is phony? You can't go through this stuff and not wanna tell everyone how good He is. You just can't!!!
Got an audition, arrive at audition, my name wasn't on the list, girl at front desk not super cooperative. Agent says he emailed client, I'm telling the girl, and waiting waiting and waiting. I text back and forth with my agent, other actors are signing in making my wait time even longer and more waiting. I'm thinking "I barely had the damn money to get to this audition and now they ain't gonna see me? Oh Heck No!!!". Finally as I'm almost to tears with frustration and ready to just leave regardless of what the casting directors says, two things happen.
Another agent rings my cell and I answer quickly cuz they never call unless its important. As I hear my agent say "You booked ***!", I hear the girl say "the casting director would like to speak with you". Huh?!?! In the middle of this busy audition and while my agent is giving me booking details... Uh OK! "Please hold!" The casting director proceeds to explain why she can't see me today and to come back tomorrow and she'd be glad to audition me. [Sidenote: In the very very back of my mind I was like "Really? If you stopped the casting to call me in personally and explain, than you could've just auditioned me lady" but that's called favor. A personal explanation given by a super busy woman who didn't have to do anything but say NO!]
In the front of my mind all I could hear was my internal praises to God for stopping me from plummeting even further into my trials. I still wanted to cry after I thanked the lady for her explanation because I really didn't have the funds for this. But my tears shifted from frustration to praise in a split second. [Sidenote: its been almost two months since I booked a gig and as an actress, you don't book, you don't get paid. Just so yall understand my frustration.]
My conclusion from today's lesson is that there is definitely a season in need of ending and one in need of beginning. But its really not the season of family versus career. This season of unbelief and doubt in God's provision and protection needs to roll out. I need to embrace a new season that perseveres, believes in His promises, doesn't waver, doesn't entertain doubt. I need to remember previous seasons of His covering and how I got through just fine, even when I thought I'd hit rock bottom.
So I choose to believe that I didn't spend money I couldn't spare on a stupid casting. Rather, I was obedient to God's nudging to go through today's lesson and the reward was so much more than the cost. I had this gut feeling since yesterday that this casting would be drama and I almost didn't go and God would have ALMOST blessed me with this revelation. There's always a Blessin in the Lesson!
"Lord, I believe! Help me with my unbelief" Mark 9:24 (NKJV)