Thursday, August 9, 2012

Seasons Go!

"Seasons Come and Seasons Go!" As I sit in the lobby of this casting I'm hearing this phrase in my head. As my patience shifts to impatience and I feel anger and annoyance rising up, I hear this phrase. As I remind myself of the joys ahead for me in my new season, this one is less appealing. I'm ready to scream "I'm done!".

Got an audition, arrive at audition, my name wasn't on the list, girl at front desk not super cooperative. Agent says he emailed client, I'm telling the girl, and waiting waiting and waiting. I text back and forth with my agent, other actors are signing in making my wait time even longer and more waiting. I'm thinking "I barely had the damn money to get to this audition and now they ain't gonna see me? Oh Heck No!!!". Finally as I'm almost to tears with frustration and ready to just leave regardless of what the casting directors says, two things happen.

Another agent rings my cell and I answer quickly cuz they never call unless its important. As I hear my agent say "You booked ***!", I hear the girl say "the casting director would like to speak with you". Huh?!?! In the middle of this busy audition and while my agent is giving me booking details... Uh OK! "Please hold!" The casting director proceeds to explain why she can't see me today and to come back tomorrow and she'd be glad to audition me. [Sidenote: In the very very back of my mind I was like "Really? If you stopped the casting to call me in personally and explain, than you could've just auditioned me lady" but that's called favor. A personal explanation given by a super busy woman who didn't have to do anything but say NO!]

In the front of my mind all I could hear was my internal praises to God for stopping me from plummeting even further into my trials. I still wanted to cry after I thanked the lady for her explanation because I really didn't have the funds for this. But my tears shifted from frustration to praise in a split second. [Sidenote: its been almost two months since I booked a gig and as an actress, you don't book, you don't get paid. Just so yall understand my frustration.]

My conclusion from today's lesson is that there is definitely a season in need of ending and one in need of beginning. But its really not the season of family versus career. This season of unbelief and doubt in God's provision and protection needs to roll out. I need to embrace a new season that perseveres, believes in His promises, doesn't waver, doesn't entertain doubt. I need to remember previous seasons of His covering and how I got through just fine, even when I thought I'd hit rock bottom.

So I choose to believe that I didn't spend money I couldn't spare on a stupid casting. Rather, I was obedient to God's nudging to go through today's lesson and the reward was so much more than the cost. I had this gut feeling since yesterday that this casting would be drama and I almost didn't go and God would have ALMOST blessed me with this revelation. There's always a Blessin in the Lesson!

"Lord, I believe! Help me with my unbelief" Mark 9:24 (NKJV)

Peace yall!

- BJ Gianni

Friday, August 3, 2012

I'm Ashamed

I'm re-reading "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore in preparation for book club tomorrow morning. The introduction chapter has so much food for thought that I've read it several times. As I read, I was reminded of the definition of strongholds. A stronghold is anything that exalts itself as bigger or more powerful than God. Now this could be a person or it could be emotions or circumstances you've experienced. The biggest reminder for me was that we have to allow the strongholds. For example, if there were a person in my life that thinks they're bigger than God its only a stronghold for me if I agree and put that person before God. Our thoughts are usually the breeding ground for strongholds. What we think up, imagine, or assume about a situation can easily spiral into strongholds, robbing us of the full freedom God intended us to have. Caution: Don't assume that because you've been released from a stronghold that you can't pick up another one. Don't assume that you don't have multiple strongholds, as most of us do. And please be aware that an old stronghold can creep back into your life without continued prayer battle and wise decision making.

Real Talk: My biggest stronghold (as I believe it to be today) is Shame! I think bigger than pride or anger, my shame over decisions I've been making lately has consumed me. This is a stronghold because in my mind the things I've done and my resulting circumstances were so bad that I believed God couldn't fix them. I placed my guilt and shame above the power of God to redeem and deliver me. As if redemption and deliverance are a one time get out of jail free card with God. But Hallelujah! Thank the Lord that ain't how it works. Here me clearly, I'm not proud of disappointments to God in my life but I'm grateful to see His mercy present in my circumstances. What's incredible is how His truth, promises and love for me are breaking me free of this yucky stronghold called Shame because HE IS BIGGER THAN MY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Reading Gods Word and praying specifically to those promises has been revitalizing. One of my fav scriptures ever is "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). Not because its a free pass to sin and act a fool but because He already knew all this would happen. And He still loves unconditionally and said He would never leave me nor forsake me. Praises to the Most High God!

We all fall down, but the amazing and true testimony begins when we get back up and allow God to love us through it!

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalms 34:18

Peace yall!