Monday, August 30, 2010

School of Life

STUDENT NAME: BJ Gianni Clarke
CREDITS RECEIVED: Dancing, Cheerleading, Big Sistering, Accounting, Cosmetology, Bartending, Cancer Patient Caregiving, Youth Mentoring, Best Friending, Broken Heart 101-103, Modeling, Acting, Pharmaceutical Documenting, Minor in Home Improvements and Mechanical Work, non-fluent in Spanish, Telemarketing, Credit Card Customer Service Rep, Horse Betting Teller, Hostess with the Mostest...

Out of all my life experiences the current one is proving to be the most challenging and I'm confident will be the most rewarding. My latest study in life is knowledge of GOD and seeking my purpose. I mentioned recently that I've been questioning my current career choice. It is not as fulfilling as I anticipated and some days just feels like the same monotony of a 9-5 or a Hamster wheel job. Just running and running on the wheel doing the same thing day in and day out and getting no where. Yes my resume has bigger better credits than a year ago but its still the same Rat Race of an industry as it was when I first started. Anywho, I've been doing some major thinking and this book has me pondering all sorts of questions. What's the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing in this life? What would my friends and family say is the driving force for my life? Is it money, family, greed, envy??? Has me understanding that I need to understand my purpose for this life. Even if all the other things I've accomplished in life so far were meant to be. Which I believe they are, every thing happens for a reason and those were all stepping stones to lead me to the current cross road of my life. I need to find my true purpose in life.

Some look at all the things I've accomplished and all the skills I have and call me a "well-rounded person", but it occurred to me after reading a quote that, I may be just like the Hamster on the wheel. Just constantly doing stuff to be doing stuff. When one project is over, I seek the next thing to get my hands into that will temporarily fulfill me. I've changed career paths every two years from the time I started working at the age of 16. I'd get bored and seek a new challenge only to end up repeating the same process about every two years...until now. I've been modeling technically for about ten years but professionally for the past 3 years and I'm getting that itch again. That lack of a challenge. I want this next challenge, this next chapter to fulfill my true purpose in life. It may turn out that this is the career for me, the state I should reside in, the relationship status I should have, the "whatever" God has put me here to do. But I want that reassurance, that sign from above, or a spiritual diploma, if you will, that I'm doing the right thing. I'm not concerning myself with others problems and not taking any prisoners on this journey. It's been a bit sad thus far because I have very little interest in some of the things I used to do and I felt I was losing myself. I know now that I am actually discovering the true "me" and that change is necessary for "her" to be revealed.

I've always been a front row in class kind of student and all my classmates know I raised my hand a million times to ask the teacher questions. When the teacher would say "any questions?" right before class was over, they would turn and look at me with an evil eye. Silently saying, "you betta not ask a question, its almost lunch time"... Lol! This journey of learning shouldn't be any different. I shall raise my hands as often as possible and seek the answers (PRAY!). I shall be confident that my teacher is well qualified in giving me the knowledge I seek (BELIEVE!). I shall attend class every day and be on-time for fear of detentions and punishment and letters home to Mommy (DISCIPLINE and DILIGENCE!) All this will surely lead to my graduation of understanding and bring so many great things in the process (RECEIVE!)

Peace yall!

"Never confuse activity with productivity."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Friday, August 27, 2010

Crazy Bayooteefull Mind

Its been a rough week...well it's been a long week. Lots of praying, thinking, contemplating, decision making, and conferences with my spiritual circle. I've started to blog many times but couldn't complete a thought so I figured I'd use all the drafts and do the excerpts of my mind. 

Spiritual Warfare:
This is what my Aunt Mary says I'm going through. Ive always reached out to her when lacking motivation or in need of spiritual guidance, even before i decided to open my heart to God and learn all about him. I spoke with her about my current challenges, thoughts, and frustrations and my new found faith and desire to learn about  God. She said I'm battling with my spirit and my flesh and its time for decision making. She insisted that I knew what I had to do and that I had to decide if I really wanted to make those decisions. Ive been battling a few negative spirits that have been getting the best of me lately with friends, career, and love. I contemplated a hiatus from everyone and everything, my career included, to clear my mind and calm my heart. That option is still not out the window but i don't want to make rash decisions based on emotions so im gonna pray on it and wait for a sign.

I've come to realize that my mother has shaped my life, even in her absence. My life's story is all about maturing into my womanhood and coping with the loss of my mother. When my mother was alive and sick, my life's story was all about taking care of her. Shaping my schedule around her appointments and making sure she had what she needed. Before she was sick and I was in college, my life's story was all about being independent and living my life without my mothers help. And before college, all through my adolescence my life's story was all about holding a grudge against my mother and promising that I would never grow up to be the woman she appeared to be to me. Its funny how the one person we are determined not to be like is the one person we end up like. It says somewhere in the Bible that you portray the same characteristics as those you judge most, or something like that. So maybe I was destined to be like my mother in so many ways simply because I judged her so harshly at times for the mother that she was. Comparing her to other mothers and wishing I had something better. As an adult, I reflect back on so many times me and my mom were at war. I moved in and out of her house growing up because we bumped heads all the time. I moved with my Dad when I was 12 and then back with her when we relocated to DE. Then we clashed so bad again that I left the house at 15 or 16 and stayed with my older brother and sissie-in-law (she is also responsible for shaping me, I learned a lot about being an independent woman by her example). I moved back in with my mother during my senior year in high school and man was that a rough time. I was determined to stay on campus in college just to flee from that home prison. I moved into my first apartment at 17 and have been on my own since. I can appreciate all the experiences I shared with her and even the ones I go through now. Through her example, I'm being shaped into a smarter, more prepared woman and whether it be from following in her footsteps with her strong qualities or learning not to repeat her mistakes, I'm shaped by her permanently and its an honor.  

Dance With Me:
I love to feel the bass and hear the drums and groove along to the rhythm of music. All genres: reggae, rock, hip-hop, r&b, techno, trance, pop country, pop, neo soul, jazz, oldies, electronica, you name it, I love it. I've been lacking passion in my career lately and it has me asking myself what I really want to do. What makes me passionate? Its Dancing! My biggest dream in life is to dance again and professionally. Doesn't matter if it's a hip hop background dancer for a music artist or in a broadway play as African bootie shaker, its dancing. If I could find a way to pay the bills and dance, trust me thats where I'd be. I feed the urge to dance with an occasional dance floor at the club and more so in my apartment all alone jamming to tunes and putting on a show for me. There's a quote I keep on my wall, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are". This would describe me perfectly because I've been a dancer in some form my whole life and now that I have time to truly pursue it, I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it. I wanna get back to that kid in me that would dance around in the music room while my mom played the keyboard and just be free. I just finished reading "The Alchemist" which is about finding your Personal Legend and pursuing it. This intense lack of passion I'm feeling is making me realize that modeling may not have been a dream of mine but more so its what other people saw for me. I've been wondering if its what I see for myself.

So as I figure out some things and wait for the signs, I'm gonna pray on it and keep feeding my soul with positive knowledge. I finished two books this past month, "Eat, Pray, Love" and I read "The Alchemist" in a week. I start "Purpose Driven Life" tonight as I take the bus to Baltimore for work. Im humbled and grateful for those who were there for me this week and offered words of encouragement and open ears. I don't feel quite as lost or lonely when I know I have folks I can lean on. My Crazy Bayooteefull Mind is searching for something and she's gonna find it.

Peace yall!  

Friday, August 20, 2010


I shot a cover issue for VIBE magazine yesterday booked through one of my agencies. It's not the type of work I usually do since I've graduated from music videos and similar gigs to commercial acting work. Nevertheless, I was just going to sit in the house anyway so I accepted the booking.

I'm so OVER IT...
We arrived on set and to my surprise there were way more girls than I anticipated. I was under the assumption that there would be a hand full of girls and we'd be displayed as eye candy around the artist, Souljah Boy, and be done with it. Again, not my cup of tea but I still said yes. About 30 minutes into our call time and with about 20 girls hired, the crew has us do a test shot. WTH??? They used a crew member to fill in for the artist and said "Ok, ladies you're going to lift him in the air as is he's crowd surfing and scream and reach for him and tug at his clothes." Again I say WTH? And so the bullcrap begins. We spent about 30 minutes working on the test shoot and then broke for lunch. One of my friends on set said she over heard someone say that we won't start back up until 2pm. Huh... Umh I didn't sign on for this to just sit around. I'm so OVER IT! I got called for another casting after I accepted this gig and was thinking "Dang it I'm gonna miss a casting because I'm just sitting on my ass waiting to play a groupie for a magazine cover that I wouldn't even display in my portfolio". Even worse was that they said the artist was scheduled for 2pm but probably won't arrive until 3pm. So 2pm rolls around and no artist so me and a friend proceed to Starbucks when they say "its almost time to shoot you can't leave". Someone comes upstairs, takes a drink order and goes to Starbucks for us. Thank goodness they at least did that. Finally he arrives smoked out with the stench of weed and almost ready to shoot. We didn't start back up until 330pm (sooooo OVER IT!) and I'm texting my other friend like tell me how late the casting is going cuz maybe we'll finish early and I can make it. Thinking to myself "This is such a waste of my time". Meanwhile, girls are primping and puckering up and looking around to see if the artist is really downstairs and so the groupie scene begins. These girls were outrageous, literally pushing to get a good spot and hand on him as we raised him in the air. Moaning sexually towards him when we were asked to scream like crazed fans to get his attention. The photographer had to keep reminding us that everyone will be seen in the shot so you don't have to push and get too close to him. "Everyone will be in the shot!" OVEEEEEER IT! One girl was complaining the whole time about how she was leaving exactly at 5pm which is when we were booked until and not a second after. She was so grumpy and irritating that the photographer personally walked over and said you need to smile. It wasn't until the artist walked right up to my friend who was just chilling next to me, right past all the girls pulling out their best tricks to be noticed, that ole' grumpy perked up and was all dappin my friend up because Souljah Boy wanted to talk to her. Oh now you gotta smile on your face and you wanna be besties? (I was OVER her!) Other girls had been complaining from the beginning about how the agency never sends them on anything and blah blah blah. Moving on, worn out from all the girl's best attempts to be in the best shots right next to the artist I was ready to go. We wrapped around 530pm and the chances of me getting to my casting were over. So I guess I was OVER that too. I was so over this whole shoot that I cancelled a date with a girlfriend to have free cocktails at a hob snob party. Yes... I was that irritated that I turned down free alcohol. It amazes me how many females still don't realize that you can jump up and down and do back flips, when you got it, you got it, and you don't have to do tricks. All that energy those girls wasted trying to get what?... His attention? his number? an invite to the hotel later? I'm not sure but they exhausted me and I'm positive that it showed on my face many times throughout the shoot. As soon as they cut for a break each time the crazed fan character went out the window and I probably appeared to some like a big old B-I-T-C... ya know where I'm going with it. No smiles again until they called Action.

Get OVER It...
On the flipside and after receiving a disappointing email from my agent I have an alternate opinion about how the day went. Even when I don't feel I've done anything wrong, I always analyze myself to see if characteristics or actions of others that I dislike could be seen in me. And here's my take. From the beginning, I said I took the booking because I was going to sit in the house otherwise, I didn't have anything planned. So why complain about just sitting at the shoot, other than missing out on the casting where else did I really have to be? So I made the best of the shoot and networked with folks at the end of the day and made great contacts and in a sense tried to get OVER IT. I didn't complain about the pay in the first half of this entry, but girls on set sure did. I did make one comment when told I wasn't screaming loud enough by another model. My response to her was "I'm not getting paid enough to lose my voice, so they'll get a fake scream". To that I have mixed feelings, no I'm not gonna give you a million dollar performance for 5 cents but at the same time, money is money and a booking is a booking, so get OVER IT! In response to "that's the least they could do was give us Starbucks", they didn't have to do jack scrap. I've been at shoots that paid 15 times more than what this was paying and they didn't feed us lunch and certainly not a free Starbucks drink so again I say to myself "get OVER IT". Lastly, in response to the girls "groupie-like" ways draining me to the point where I was ready to go. One of my favorite quotes has always been "No one can diminish you but yourself". Just because they acting a fool don't mean I have to. I was worried about people standing by getting me confused with them and thinking I'm like that. Telling myself I'm gonna stand back and show that I'm not trippin with this little dude walks on set because I'm not a groupie so don't get it twisted. But the thing is from a distance a groupie and a Bitch don't look too different. They are both undesirable people to be around if you prefer positive energy. And I'm all about positive energy so now WTH is wrong with me. I could've made the decision to rise above what I disliked about this shoot and push through it. While, my attitude wasn't that bad on the outside, I know what I was thinking on the inside. And even if the crew and others couldn't tell, GOD knows and that's the "being" I'm trying to raise up in the air and worship and pull and tug at to gain all I can. Therefore even these thoughts were inappropriate.

At the end of the day, you win some you lose some and then there can be a DRAW. You do the best you're capable of doing in a less than desirable situation and sometimes sacrifice a little bit of who you truly are. I didn't fully let my personality shine yesterday because of the bull crap and if I had it couldve caught the eye of the right person at the right time cuz you never know who's watching. I lived and I learned that I will make better of myself should a situation like this arise again. Also, I lived and I learned that I don't want to be put in a situation like this again, so Mr. Agency Man don't send me on this type of booking again, please and thank you.

Peace yall!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Friend Cancer…

I was sitting at my desk just staring at the wall which is covered with pictures and quotes and documents that are important to me. I keep the program from my mother's memorial service on my wall but facing backwards. The back of the program holds a poem that I wrote in the final days of my mother's life. It was an attempt to find peace with knowing that she would soon leave this world and I didnt want to spend our final days with anger over her illness so I wrote this poem. Initially I was very angry with cancer for coming into our lives and changing everything for all of us. Little did I know that cancer would do so much for my family that I had to make peace with her illness if for no other reason than because she had already done so. My mother spent the last month of her life doing things she always wanted to do and I had no idea at the time she seemed to be checking off a bucket list. My family had been through so much prior to my mom being sick with arguments and sibling fall outs and parents separating, drugs, jail, me moving out at 15, and then some. Cancer truely changed the dynamics of my family and we are now such a strong unit that I am grateful.

Aside from losing her and telling my siblings that this time the cancer was terminal, this was probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do in life so far. It was so challenging to still put on a pretty smile and stand at the podium and read my poem to all the people who attended the ceremony in honor of my mother. I made a joke before reading it to get some energy to push through it but it wasn't long before the tears started and I got choked up. Joined by my baby sister on stage and now I believe also joined by my God, I found the courage to read this:

My Friend Cancer…
I don't hate you, I actually love you.
You gave me something I never thought I’d get back.
You gave me my family back with lots of beautiful additions.
You gave my mom an amazing voice that touched all who heard.
You showed my mom how to love open heartedly and express emotions.
You inspired my mom to motivate others and bring purpose to their life.
You took away my selfishness to allow me to be at her beck and call, as only a Queen like she deserved.
You taught me that life is too short and not to sweat the small stuff.
You’ve shown me that beauty is really skin deep. (Even without the hair and perfect smile, my Tia Clarke could still give any Diva a run for their money)
You showed me that in times of pain and sorrow, a little prayer never hurts.
You gave me faith to believe in myself and know that all happens for a reason and with passion and determination such as hers, I can get through anything in life and this too shall pass!
I thank you for giving my mother all of you on November 18, 2008 and finally giving her the peace that she needed. My mother will forever be with you so take good care of her…

My Friend Cancer!

Tia J Clarke 3.15.54-11.18.08

Just felt like sharing today. It may be a little challenging or twisted for some to understand, but when you have life (and death) experiences such as I have, you too will understand. Peace yall!

Friday, August 13, 2010

When it rains, It... Rains!

In my brief moment of Ghandhi, Guru, whatever wisdom you want to call it I told a friend, "Its still raining, not pouring, just bigger rain drops. Pouring would be much worse and a little rain aint neva killed nobody." This was in response to her comment of the traditional saying "When it rains, it Pours." We both go through similar challenges in this industry and in life and it is slow right now and Lord knows the bills aint slowing down. But as I was typing that I felt it to be true more than ever. I've been in and out of a funk because the castings and BOOKINGS, for that matter, aint been rolling in as I wished they would. I've been challenged with securing a strong headshot to push out to more agencies so I can maximize the work I receive. Being sick two weeks ago definitely set me back physically and financially. But then I started to think, why am I complaining or worrying so much (to myself because I've been in my apartment for the majority of the past two weeks). But still GOD knows what's in our hearts and just cuz I haven't said it out loud don't mean I'm complaining any less. Even though its been slow, money keeps popping up here and there, even if smaller than I desire, money is money and a blessing is a blessing. This down time has its purpose just like everything else in life. I've caught up on much needed rest during this drought of auditions. What makes me even more appreciative of this week is that I stayed motivated and actually had the time to workout everyday this week. I don't think I've exercised five days in a row ever in life, except when I had cheerleading practice six days a week in high school. I got my eye on a fit agency I stumbled across and I want it so I'm gonna get it. So you see it may be "raining" but its not "pouring". I won't even say things could be much worse because that would imply that this has been a bad week and its been kind of nice. Don't get me wrong I welcome the busy weeks back into my life but this alone time I received has me refreshed and ready for the next challenge from above. I'm currently Bolt Bussin it to DC for a busy weekend and I'm ready. Got my rain boots on and embracing each drop. Peace yall!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Scarred for Life

So I went out with the ladies last night and I'm not sure what prompted this but I almost got a tattoo. I remember now, we were having cocktails and somehow got on the conversation of tattoos. One of my girls said she wants one on the top of her shoulder because it's somewhat discreet. Since I'm a giraffe it would be hard for most people to see because they're shorter than I. Most who know me, know that I have no tattoos and never planned on getting one...that is until my mom passed away. I'd been brainstorming on random places on my body that it could go but not be too visible to impact my modeling career. Can't go on the neck or back because then it'll show when I do wedding gown events. Can't get it on the hands or wrist because it'll show when I slate my name and show my hands for commercial auditions and so on and so on. Some say, well why not just use Dermablend and cover it when necessary, but that's misleading to me. I've never been good at lying and most agencies or audition forms specifically ask if you have tattoos or piercings if its a concern for them. I don't wanna cover it up and then lie about it, that defeats the whole point of getting it to me. Why go through the pain of getting the tattoo on top of the pain that inspired me to get the tattoo (losing my mom) just to cover it up for a quick buck. Some things just aren't worth the money and covering up my mamas name would be one of them. I realize that it's something that will be with me forever so I need to choose wisely and be absolutely sure that I'm ready to be scarred for life in the physical sense. Already there in the spiritual and emotional because my mother will always be with me, tattoo or not. But I do like the idea of seeing her name resting on my shoulder forever and ever. Kind of makes me feel closer to her so I'll probably get one eventually but for now her spiritual hand on my shoulder will do. That's all for now folks!

P.S. I forgot to mention that I did stumble, slightly under the influence, upon two tattoo parlors last night but the first was closed and the second wanted way too much for the three letters of my mothers name. When its right its right and last night it was wrong so no tattoo. My friends hand written tattoo lasted through the night and left great memories of my almost

Peace yall!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Monday, August 9, 2010

I'm Thirsty

Finally made it to church yesterday...whew. After too many reasons why I didn't get up on Sunday morning followed by strep throat last Sunday, I've been away since May. I told myself no matter how tired I felt, how rough my night before, how much stuff I wanted to get done, I was going. I woke at 830am to take my antibiotics and thought for a second "I could just stay in bed and watch church on tv". But that went out of my mind just as fast as it came in. Church to me isn't about the building or just going because its Sunday and that's what the religious society says you should do. Its about getting a spiritual motivation when I'm feeling less than myself. With that being said, I don't wanna turn on the tv and listen to someone preach in a commercialized fashion, nice and pretty for the networks pleasure. I want to hear the word and get down and dirty and be reminded that we have all sinned and we all struggle with Faith but its ok because we are also all righteous and worthy if we just believe.

I arrive at church late or so I thought because service starts at 11am, but that's really just to allow us time to straggle in after the mess of our night before and get settled in to hear Pastor Robinson and the family teach us a thing or two. The ladies are on stage finishing up a song and I go straight to the front and fall in line to tap my feet and clap my hands because I don't know the words. I never do, but that's alright, I still get the same sensation of joy and peace that my fellow church goers feel that do know the words. Makes me all warm and tingly inside and sometimes I do wanna just cry from the pleasantness that music brings to me. The lead singer proceeds to "sing-preach" a little. I don't know if that's an actual term, but you know when they let the band play and stop singing and the lead starts praising GOD and letting out whatever comes to their heart. (Don't laugh at me...hee hee hee) Anywho, she starts talking about those who are thirsty, thirsty for the knowledge of GOD and all he has to offer. Well I guess that's me, because I'm seeking the knowledge of GOD, so call me thirsty, call me dried up, parched, desert-like, and in need of some serious spiritual quenching. I think that's a perfect description from Miss Singing Lady on stage whose name I don't know. I'm sure I'll find out though because I joined the church yesterday. I took the first step towards gaining the knowledge I seek.

As the service continued on, I felt more and more at home as I do every time I attend this church. This was same church I mentioned in a prior blog titled "Alter Call". I went up for alter call again, I very studiously jotted down every passage the Pastor mentioned, followed along in my Bible (actually it was my grandfathers, then my uncles, and now mine), and just soaked up as much as I could. My tummy was barking (not growling) and my body was worn out from getting in at 4am from work. But I was filled with joy and so grateful to be in among these folks at this church. At the end of service is when Pastor always ask for new members and I've sat through many of these and watched the brave souls stagger up the aisle to the front. I remember thinking "Wow, they're ready to commit their lives to GOD" or "Oooh, she's crying as she goes up but she's still going. Is she afraid or happy?". This thought popped through my mind every time I see an entire family, mommy, daddy, and child go up together, "I pray that be me, my child, and husband one day taking that leap of Faith together". But for now its just me and that's the best place to start anyhow. Well me and you know who, I know I'm not in this journey alone because this journey is all about building a relationship with GOD.
So we had a quick new members meeting after the church welcomed us and new members class will follow soon. I'll be honest, although I walked up to joined the other new members with a smile on my face and confident that I was ready. I am feeling other emotions about my decision but I won't let it consume me. I'm going to trust that I made the right decision because I can't get through life repeating the same decisions and expecting different outcomes. That's insane... Literally! I know that it may present a challenge to commit myself to church every Sunday in a state that I no longer reside in. But if I can bring my tail done from NY every weekend to bartend and hang out and work to make a quick buck I can surely discipline myself to get to church as often as possible and that's the promise I'm making to myself and to GOD today. I will do my very best to open my heart and my mind to gain all the knowledge, love, and blessings I know I deserve and have sought for so long.

I'm back on the bus to NYC and with a lot more packed in my luggage than I came down to DC with. I got happiness, peace of mind, a new outlook to my future, some new church folks to call family. Oh and I left one thing behind... That hurdle I jumped over when I joined TOLCM yesterday. That thing was heavy and didn't look good on me

Stay tuned for more of my journey of thirst quenching...Peace yall!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Friday, August 6, 2010

What's Up....Doc?

So it's Friday morning and for most they are excited to have their week come to an end. As usual, it's quite the opposite for me, my week is just getting started. It's been a rough week literally laying in bed all day everyday. My self-diagnosis of Tonsillitis was corrected by the doctor and proven to be Strep Throat. Never had it before, don't like it, and don't want it again. Someone described it best as swallowing glass and the fatigue, fever, chills, and body aches that accompanied it were just as excruciating. It's Day 4 of 10 into my antibiotics and I'm beginning to feel like me again. Yesterday I started with one casting but got called for two more at the last minute so I thought "why not?", I'm already in the city. I promised myself I'd go to bed as soon as I returned home to relax from the strenuous day of the city. It was challenging because the fatigue was setting in, my throat was so dry, people were moving slow, and I was starving. I did it though, kept moving right along, gave my best at each casting and will prayerfully book them. Today is just as busy with a casting, two agency meetings, a bus to DC, followed by a bartending shift that will go into the early hours of tomorrow morning.

I realize this sounds like a lot to do while still recovering and on meds but I spent enough time in the bed. My hustle don't stop and neither do the bills...Mama got make money. However, I am pacing myself because I don't want to end up right back where I started. I haven't worked out all week although I've been itching to try to my new workout plan, I've taken naps everyday (more naps than usual that is...ha ha), drinking plenty of fluids, starting back on my vitamins (now that I can swallow), and even though I'm already a germ-a-phobe, I will be more conscious of others germs while riding the germ box on wheels to and from DC. You should've seen me on Tuesday when I came back to NY. I had my face wrapped so tight you would've thought I was an Arab. And when someone sneezed or coughed...yuck... I buried myself deeper into the fabric covering my face.

My illness wasn't all bad, I managed to accomplish a few other things: finalize my Facebook Fan Page, submit myself to castings online, catch up on emails to folks, post my bday pictures to the web, wash some dishes, curl my hair, watch the 5th season of "The Closer" on DVD, take the trash out, go to the bank across the street and pay my rent, sit at the diner across the street and catch the season premiere of "Dark Blue", and update my electronic portfolio (my iPad :-D).

As I said my week is just getting started, well sort of, because that's a lot for a sick woman to do. But I'm not just any woman, I'm ME! Tomorrow I have an appearance and then another bartending shift. Church on Sunday (Finally!) and then a shoot for Rita's Water Ice and hopefully back on the sweat box to NY for more fabulous castings. OOOH! Forgot to mention one of the last minute castings was for a national commercial ... finger crossed and prayer hands closed... hee hee hee!
Peace yall!

Monday, August 2, 2010

When Plans Go Astray!

Not sure what to write about. Its been a week and Ive had several topics in my head: Sincerely I, the first week of 30s, career frustrations. But I just can't follow through with a topic. I'm currently sitting in my room at my dads house in DC sick with self-diagnosed Tonsillitis. (Thanks to Google for having tons of info and yucky pictures) This illness really put a damper on my motivation. My weekend started out great with multiple appearances, two good nights of bar tending lined up, an awesome workout with my homie that was to continue through the weekend. Apparently, God had other plans because I was cranky through two appearances, left the bartending gig early and became so ill I could barely walk let alone workout. The research I found said I need lots of rest and Ibuprofen for the pain. (Thanks Daddy for having 800mg Ibuprofen in his room) I literally slept all day Sunday and I attempted to make it back to NY this morning but I still felt like crap late last night so i changed my bus schedule and emailed my agent. More wrenches thrown in my well planned scheduling machine. I was supposed to drive up Sunday with my dad, help him do some repairs around my place and then go to my callback on Monday and get back to my busy hectic life that i love. I know this happened for a reason and the reason is more than likely because I needed to sit my butt still and until my body forces me to i won't. So there you have it, now I'm sick and cant do anything that involves me leaving this apartment. At least I can make my own soup today, my Dad was playing nurse yesterday cuz I had chills and a fever and just couldn't do anything but sleep and try not to swallow.
Lots of thoughts ran through my mind. With all the pain i was experiencing it made me think about my mom and her illness and how the hell she pulled through some days. I know this will pass in a few days but she had pain worse than this for weeks at a time and still accomplished so much. I thought about what opportunities I'll miss this week because I'm home in DC and the castings are in NY passing me by. I'm wondering how I got this crap in the first place, did i just catch it or did i get from kissing that boy the other day (he shall remain nameless). I thought about all the things i wish i could physically do right now that i could've done when i wasn't sick. Being lazy when i should've exercised, running errands that have been on my list forever but i push it off another day, picking up the phone and calling a friend or family member to say hello. Can barely talk right now, but my voice was working just fine a few days ago. So you see there may be more than one reason for this illness and I'm tapping into it all. I plan to get healthy and then take advantage of the simple everyday things we all take for granted because we don't realize how precious things are. Excited to try the new exercises i learned on Friday, excited about getting back to my NJ apartment and clearing crap out of there, excited about having my voice back soon so I can reach out and touch somebody. I missed church again this Sunday because i was home sick so I'm most excited about getting my tail back in church this Sunday because I'm long overdue for some spiritual motivation. My proverbs have been holding me down but I need a little pastor Jenkins every now and then.
Chat with you folks later, got some more resting to do before my plan to take over the world continues ***giggle giggle ***
Peace y'all!