Saturday, May 12, 2012

I need you here

Its 6am and the truth just settled in. Something has been stirring up inside of me since I arrived to Dover on the bus. The drop off point was within a few steps of the house my mother lived in for years. Its crazy because I knew that the bus stop was next door but I've been so busy I guess it didn't register. Even as I got off the bus and waited for my ride I thought briefly how nice it would be to just walk home. Walk those few steps to her house and climb into her bed like I used to do so many nights when she was here. I didn't linger in sadness too long as its become a normal thing to try and do life without her here. I still felt a bit cranky and couldn't put my finger on it. As I lay here playing Gospel tunes in the bed it hit me. I was within steps of her house yes but it was also the place where she took her final breaths of air, where she made her transition, where I laid by her side and looked into her eyes for the last time. Although I've drove past her house a few times over the years it hit me so hard this time and I don't know why. I've survived so many Mothers Day, could it simply be the holiday combined with being here? Maybe its the fact that I really feel I need her in my life to do those things only a mommy can do. Man I thought I'd gotten through the roughest patches of losing her. God has helped me rest in a peace knowing that she's with Him. But still at this moment none of that's matter, I just wish she was here. As my life transitions into bigger and greater accomplishments. As I process past hurts and receive healing, I need her here. As I see my family reuniting and growing along side me, we need her here. God where did my peace go and why did it have to leave this weekend of all times? Why do I have to relive that moment when everyone is asking "What are you doing for Mothers Day?". When everywhere I turn there a sign or a commercial about showing your mother how much you love her? Why????

- BJ Gianni


  1. I can't imagine what you are going through but I will pray for you BJ.

  2. Instead of dwelling in the sadness embrace the good memories you had of your mother. Use this day to remind yourself how much you miss the good things about your mom. Although she's not physically here use this holiday to commiserate that you will always have a mother. This holiday is not for parents still living its for all mothers who have impacted our lives and to show our gratitude. Thank your mother for that.

  3. Love you BJ. Remember that you're NOT alone! We may not speak often but I'm so very proud of your growth and the woman you've become. The hope we have in those dark moments is that the light will come again. Sending you light and love today and every day. XOXOXOXO