Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Guilt Trip

I have been itching to write about so many things but I have to use discretion with how much of my personal life I share right now. Life has been all over the place for me to say the least and I'll try to give yall an update without spilling all my beans. Guilt Trip...I've definitely been on one. I have condemned myself into seclusion and shamed myself into a bit of depression over current circumstances. As I embark on a new journey of life I've experienced negativity and opposition from people close to me. I've definitely checked out emotionally to some folks and have been pulling back my online presence most days. I'm in a season of decision making which impacts my career, my future, my location of residence, my friends, my circle, my finances, my health, my everything. It has been amazingly discouraging to go through most of this by myself because I felt I couldn't trust people I should be able to depend on. A few outwardly spoken people have spoiled it for those who may have my best interest at heart and I decided to go inward and trust God and God alone to be my counsel. Makes for a very lonely place at times but God's companionship is amazing. I'm probably talking gibberish right now so let me be more clear. I've been on a guilt trip because I know I've been doing things or NOT doing things that haven't been too pleasing to God. But what's been eating me up inside is what others have said and might say about some of my decisions. I've allowed the opinions of others to almost dictate my life and happiness to the point of being so confused which way to go some days. I couldn't hear anything but negative voices and the doubt from the enemy nagging in my ear. I love my life, my career and the success so far, but I desire something different in life now. A family of my own and that desire has caused a roller coaster of emotions and occurrences. It's funny to me that from the outside looking in others have assumed that I'm wasting my talent and giving up on my dream by deciding to share my energy with another dream of mine. Why are people's minds so limited as to not believe that I can do both? That our God isn't big enough to give me love and career? Or even that I'm somehow not in control of my own mind and body to make my own decisions based on God's promises and counsel. It's been most discouraging to have folks treat me like I'm a child making rash, irresponsible decisions when I've lived cautious and planned out and too in control of most of my life. To treat me as if I just woke up one day and decided that I would throw my life away and just blow with the wind instead of giving me the benefit of actually having a brain and a relationship with a God that speaks to me about decisions. Let me not ramble. The point to this entry is really that God is so great that He is loving me back to a healthy state of mind and right standing with Him. Helping me to drown out the voices of others and hear His voice even louder than my own doubtful voice at times. Moving out of feeling guilty because I'm actually living my life for me for once and not going according to everyone else's small thinking and plans for MY life. I've had to meditate on Romans 8:1 even before I knew what that scripture was. The words popped into my head whispering "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." and I kept repeating that over and over again and eventually I turned to it in my Bible and it was confirmed during devotions and prayer calls. I'm not perfect but I serve a perfect God and He doesn't judge me and condemn me like myself or others do. He is the God of turnaround so even if I'm making unwise decisions I trust that He will guide me back. He doesn't let His children fall too far. Hallelujah! My life is changing daily and some days I pause and reflect on what I may be giving up but then I look forward to what I'm gaining and I press on. It hurts like hell to break relationships with folks over decisions that are mine to make and not theirs but time will reveal truths and heal wounds. Hopefully I can reveal more to yall and speak more specifically to my circumstances but for now be encouraged. Don't let anyone dictate your life and what you should do. Consult your God and keep your trustworthy circle small and close. Don't be afraid to go against the grain and follow your heart, dreams, and passions. Peace yall!


  1. Hey BJ, as always I love your post. Life is short and YOUR life is yours to live. You are a wise, beautiful,talented and smart woman. Like you said you serve a perfect God, he shall never let you fail. Wishing you the very best in any given circumstance. I also commend you for writing about the doubt, fear and sometimes pain. I haven't reached that level in my writing to share my vulnerabilities. One day!

  2. Amen and Amen. Wonderful read. Great spirit of perseverance. It is God's desire that you have both and don't let anyone tell you any different. You are a beautiful, talented young woman. He has amazing blessings set aside specifically for you. Keep on shining. Peace and love. I miss you. Hugs!