"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."
My Pastor sent this to me to help me cope with the changes in my life with friends and habits I've been struggling with. Even though this quote is primarily about people I think it applies to behaviors and habits as well. I've recently been physically ill caused by self induced stress. I've been holding on to angry friendship and negative habits that became toxic in my life and as a result in my body. After months of praying, punishing myself, hiding from the world, illness and deep deep self-evaluation I made a decision to eliminate what I had control over. While I realized that I can't control others actions and words, I have 100% control over my actions and words. I had built up such a habit of negative reactions to certain people in my life that I became someone even I didn't care to be around at times. It took me a while to even realize that I was stressed and that my recurring battle of strep throat and colds were a direct result of the things I held inside. It's been only a few days since I've made leaps into the healing side of this stress. I faced some hurtful issues with a few folks and with myself. I forgave me for any wrong doing and have accepted that as a result certain relationships may be no longer exist in the future but at least I was honest and now I'm free from those burdens. God sat me down literally with illness and showed me the error of my ways and I'm thankful for these days. My Pastor kept saying as long as you hold onto negative feelings and don't confront them you will never get past your illness and he was so right. While I still have a lot of emotional and physical healing to do from what I put myself through these past months I see the light shining ahead. I'm learning to let go of holding on to things, habits, and people that don't fit into the plan God has for me which is all about positive words and love.
Some updates in my world: I'm registering to do volunteer work with youth in NYC, I'm slowly getting back into my auditions with a better mindset and very little pressure on myself to "book it", I'm starting dance classes at Alvin Ailey tomorrow just to get my body used to the rhythm again and then we'll see where it goes, I'm tapping into the all the resources of companionship that God has given me in friends and family and learning to understand that when I need love in my life in the form of a man God will give it to me. That is all.