Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Losing My Balance

I feel like I'm walking a tight-rope of limbo between believing and doubting.

After being surrounded by thousands of people on the cruise and spending another week at my dads place, I was overjoyed to walk through the doors of my apartment. My bed, my tv, my kitchen that actually has food in it, my shower, my closet... I missed them all so much. My first night back was awesome and i went to bed almost immediately. I woke the next morning eager to see if the down time had done me some good. I just knew that I'd return home refreshed and ready to take on the world. Time away from all the craziness of the city, my old habits, friends, bills, responsibility, and all of my normal life were non existent over the past few weeks. It didn't take long for the worries, anxieties, never-ending thoughts to creep back into my world and disturb me. Wondering if my agencies would send me on castings right away since I'd been gone for over two weeks. Fearing that my positive energy would be chewed up and spit out by the harsh reality of New York City. Praying that a check would come in the mail so i could relax a bit and not stress if i didn't get any castings this week. Tripping because I want to move full speed ahead in my new relationship but God keeps showing me signs that i need to slow down. Worrying about what the next stretch of my career will look like and if my true purpose will be revealed sooner than later. Thinking maybe this is the career I'm supposed to be in but I'm not applying myself in the right way. Contemplating giving it all up as i search for corporate jobs on Craigslist. Stressing over family issues, love, friendship, job, money, Everything, all my challenges, came rushing back to greet me this week. I know it's happening because I'm letting them in, may as well be standing with the door wide open saying "Come on in, doubts and fears, you're welcomed here." sigh!!!!! 

If I've learned anything in all my readings over the past few months it has to be that "you just have to keep the faith and believe no matter what, that God has a plan and that it'll work out in ways that are best for you according to his plan not yours." I'm allowing my frustrations to get the best of me again when i should be turning it over to God. Losing the balance I felt I had in my quiet time this past month. Perhaps i need to take another chill-pill and really get serious about my Faith. I know it doesn't happen overnight and I still and always will have much to learn. I had a long talk with my Auntie yesterday and she was teaching me how to pray and talk to God and listen to him. I'm going on my first spiritual retreat with her next month and I'm so elated (thats my big word for the day lol) about that trip. Im still tying to figure out how to make this industry, this relationship, this life work for the bigger picture of pleasing God and I'm confident that in time i'll have the answers. I need to work on keeping my balance in the meantime. I wanna be on the right side of this tight rope of limbo between believing and doubting.      

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