I look in the mirror and I see a different me, I feel a different me, I think like a different me and I know it's because I've surrendered so many parts of me to God. I don't think anyone can put a true date stamp on when they started their walk with God, I surely cant. I know that God had been working on me long before I knew it and slowly I began to lose the desire to do certain things. By the time I became aware that it was God nudging me in these areas, I was fully ready to surrender those habits to Him. I'm not perfect but I've been strong in turning over my filthy mouth, substance use, promiscuity and even now fornication I'm giving to Him. God has certainly helped me with turning my eyes onto myself for correction "before" judging others, which should be "instead" of judging others but I still got work to do. I'm healing from a lot of past hurts and its not always easy to release that pain but giving myself to God and letting Him work it out has been such a relief. The list of smaller surrenders are there too, but these have been the strongholds in my life.
And yet, there is one major part of my life that I have been fighting God with every inch of my being about...my relationship. I've been strolling along in my walk with God, sometimes skipping and singing and other times crying and screaming but I've been moving forward with ease. And now I hit a bump and trip to fall flat on my face, "What the heck was that hurdle in my path?". God answers, "That's you're relationship and I want that too!". I'm like, "Really? God why you gotta have that too, cant I just keep this one thing for myself? Please!". God answers, "Well, you do have free will so the choice is yours, but you'll be missing out on what I have planned for you down the road". I reply, "OUCH!!! That hurts, you mean this isn't the best that I'll know, theres a greater love than this, how could that be, I thought this was the one?". Without getting too dramatic and dragging this scene out, the point is that yes God wants this part of my life too and I have been so hesitant and stubborn in relinquishing it. God reveals so much to us through His words and the vessels He places in our lives. I'm so grateful for the friends that I've been able to trust with my experience and the encouragement they speak into me that has opened my eyes to what I need to do. It absolutely sucks to go through this life lesson during the holidays but I plan to hold to the true spirit of the holidays and not focus on the insignificant things that get us lonely on the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are about Jesus Christ and giving thanks for all that I've been brought through and will continue to grow through. I may have some sad tear-filled nights but scripture says joy comes in the morning. And I'm tempted some days to sit down and debate with God a bit more on this subject but I know that would be disobedient and while I may be a great debater here on Earth, I'm no match for Him. So let me pipe down and go ahead and be obedient.
One of my favorite gospel songs is "Give Myself Away" and it touches me every time I hear it and reminds me of what I am to do as a true student of God's word. I have to completely surrender myself to the Lord and trust that He knows best and that He's got my back through everything. I don't know what tomorrow looks like but while God has been removing this area out of my life, He has filled that void with so many Agape love relationships, true sisters and strong spiritual leaders. I have been a control freak my entire life and have always counted on forcing my way through obstacles to get my desired outcome. Shifting my desired outcomes to align with God's will has been most challenging in areas I still attempt to control. But His solutions and understanding is much greater than mine so I'm ready to take a back seat and let God take the steering wheel. I'm throwing up my hands and fully surrendering. Besides my hands are better suited up in the air anyway to praise Him for who He is. Hallelujah and Amen!