Am I going to let go of this well paid 5-year job? How often will I see my boyfriend, who lives in DC, if I fully commit to NYC? What about the note on my truck I will rarely drive? What about my church, my Pastor, my spiritual circle of friends? This was me remembering how stressed I was over the decisions I had to make at the turn of the year. I made so many excuses throughout 2010 that kept me traveling back and forth, exhausted, and not really planting my feet in either state. By the time the new year came around I knew I had to make permanent decisions on NYC becoming my full-time playground. If not then I may as well pack up my apartment and move back to DC.
All it took was one huge leap of Faith to let go of the job that justified all the other excuses. Now three months later, I don't even think about that job or the money. I was, however, attempting to hold onto some of the other reasons to have continued my weekly commute, hence my last entry about missing my Boo and crying like a baby because of the distance. I miss him, my Dad, my best girlfriends, and my Chevy. But the one thing I found myself holding onto the most was my church home in Southern Maryland. I was talking with a friend and told her how it felt weird to be a leader in several of the community activities sponsored by a church but avoiding becoming a member of this church. This was a conversation I've had with myself as well over the past month. It's natural for people to ask if I attend the church, especially since I'm one of the leaders. But I wouldn't consider the thought of leaving my church in MD. I felt early on that God was placing this church presence into my life because he knew I would not stay in NY and grow as a believer without a spiritual circle here. I'd attended a few evening services but didn't feel it was for me and yet I became more involved in leading church activities to feed my spirit. I became very resistant to considering this church as my new home even as I began to pray and state often that I was seeking a new church home. I was still saying in my mind "Do I really belong up here in NY? What about my church, my boyfriend, my dad, my truck!". Even though doors were opening consistently around me, I still refused to completely let go of my roots in DC and the fear of starting over in NY continued to haunt me. One of the youth leaders invited me to morning service this past Friday and I quickly responded "OK" knowing that I had no intentions of going because I have a church...Four hours away but Whatever. The rest of that day and the next I tossed the idea around in my head of going to church on Sunday morning and battled with my excuses not to go. Even as my alarm went off Sunday morning, I snoozed it, complained about my aching body from dance class the day before, and came very close to going back to bed. But something came over me and nudged my butt out of bed and I went to morning service. The experience was not as unfulfilling as I had made the evening service out to be and I left feeling like my spirit was fed. I reconnected with an old acquaintance, met some new folks, and shared hugs with other friends that I've met through the community activities. I really did feel at home there and I am now considering being a regular morning service attendee. WA-HOO!
I fought so hard to hold on to the last bit of my DC life and resisted the open arms of this church family. The activities that I co-lead are the major sources of my joy these days so I'd be a fool not to receive God's subtle hints to embrace this group. So the moral to this story is...well I'm not sure what it is. I can only say that I'm learning from my stubborn ways and resistance to step out of my own ways and into His ways. He knows best and I'm not here in the big city by accident. I'm leaving the security of my DC blankie behind and growing up a bit in the Big Apple. Maybe the lesson is simply to "Trust God".