As I started to type that statement and discuss my relationship with a certain someone, I paused. Let me rephrase, I'm in a long distance relationship with the best man my heart has known here on this Earth. I had to change that around a bit because God is the best man that I've ever known. But the confusion between the two men is exactly my discussion for this entry.
Last night, I cried and cried, pulled myself together and cried some more. I was longing to be near my physical man and the desire kept eating away at me and all I could do was cry about it. Well at that moment, Crying was all I wanted to do. Prayer is always an option. However, at that moment I chose not to pray, I chose to let my frustration attack me, self pity to dig in, and self doubt to poke holes in my confidence. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I why I kept crying, my heart wanted him here and she couldn't have it so she threw a "hissy fit". While experiencing this dramatic moment, I heard whispers from God saying "Lean on me BJ, you should be leaning on me". I knew this voice was correct but I still chose to lean on the lack of my physical man's presence and cried some more. Gee whiz that was a lot of tears! But maybe everything came out in those tears and not just my sadness. I have oodles upon oodles of joyful tears to cry even for my man because he is a great person and I'm thankful to have him as a friend and more. So maybe I cried so hard and so long for reasons other than missing him. Not sure, but this I do know. When God whispered to me and said lean on HIM, I should've listened. I know better than to put too much trust in Man especially before trusting God and his plan. I had a weak moment and leaned on the physical and not the spiritual. That is a decision I will pray to be forgiven for and strengthened from because it was a lesson. I woke this morning feeling a bit foolish because I'm always convicted when I step against God's plan for me and the simple things I know I should or shouldn't be doing. I do love my physical man but I love God and myself more. Finding that balance to love them both and put God first is one of the hardest things I will accomplish. But I understand the reward in it and will diligently seek that guidance.
"Lean FORWARD unto the Lord will all your heart and understanding... And He shall guide thy paths." This is my version of Proverbs 3:5-6. While I trust I can count on my man to be there, I've learned from my past not to put all my hope and trust in a person. Doing this now would be taking steps backwards and I'm all about receiving the blessings of the future God has promised me. I'm Leaning Forward on God and not backwards on Man.
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