As I journaled this morning I began to ask questions. God what can I do? What is my role in the lives of these women? How can I make an impact and/or lead by example? How do I continue to heal as one of these women myself? These were questions in response to a revelation about several females I've encountered. I've been doing a lot of observing and it has become apparent to me that these women are hurting from past and current pains and are need of healing. My observation includes promiscuity, alcohol use, dependency on men for finances and validity of self worth and on. It really has my heart sad and overwhelmed, leaving me praying for guidance and healing for us all. I've battled with some of those circumstances and now have a better understanding of God's plan for me, so I'm convicted anytime they return. As I continue to heal from old wounds and past decisions I've had to face ugly truths. This self-honesty heightens my awareness of those faults in others and I sincerely want to encourage them to be honest with themselves.
Lately, certain behaviors demotivate me from interacting with these women and I know that's not the right attitude to have. I cant disassociate myself because I don't care for their behavior but I don't have to be victim to it either. In my party animal days, I remember going out to shake my butt on the dance floor while my friends were all about their next hookup. I tried to stay away from getting involved in their antics. I use to get high and drink with my girls and some would get totally wasted and I'd become the baby sitter for the night. Ive had my nights that required babysitting too. I had girlfriends that would go out and completely expect men to take care of them at the bar and not even bring money. I never understood that because one thing I've never leaned on a man for is money. I've went wrong in other areas but I'm so glad I've never got caught up in living with a man or feeling obligated to him because he's helping me pay my bills. I do recall always needing the attention from my guy at the time and feeling low about myself if he was distant, unavailable, and especially when he didn't want me anymore. I was one of those "I don't need to be in a relationship" type females and yet always found myself latched onto a guy. I always fell hard for every guy I've ever dated and thought I was in love way too many times to remember. I used to settle and sacrifice to stay in relationships that had no added value to my life and in fact diminished it. It really wasn't until I grew stronger in my Faith and began to love myself the way God loves me that I understood what it means to love yourself before you can love someone else. Even in the beginning of my current relationship I turned to childish antics and picked fights because he wasn't giving me what I thought I needed from a relationship and quite honestly I was used to the bull crap so I expected it from him. I began to pray for a Godly relationship with my man, one that isn't focused on sex and money but friendship, support, true love, and progress. Now my relationship is much healthier.
My dad and I spoke briefly last night about females and the need to depend on men for the wrong things. We're not licensed therapist, of course, but it doesn't take a degree to see on the surface that some women are crying out for the love they didn't receive growing up. My Dad added that in his day even if guys were so called "playas" they still had a certain level of respect for their women. So which came first, did we start to de-value ourselves and men are just taking advantage of us or are the men of our generation just as screwed up as we are??? Even in my situation, I said how could I have made such poor decisions in men over the years when I had strong male figures in my life since I was born? I spoke about other experiences in my previous blog "Strolling Down Memory Lane". What we experience throughout life shapes us into the adults we grow to be but we can choose to evaluate our actions and change what we don't like. I guess the first step is desiring to change and admitting that our actions need improvement. I'm grateful that I have the mind to change my ways and seek guidance to stay away from old habits.
I hope to bring more of this type of discussion to my blog as this is why Crazy Bayooteefull was created in the first place. Most of the women I spoke about our drop dead gorgeous and people assume that they have the whole world at the tip of their stilettos because these people put too much weight on outer beauty. But it is my opinion based on personal experience and observation that "Pretty Girls" are very insecure and often deal with these issues. Inner beauty and self love will always outweigh outer appearances!