Thursday, July 7, 2011

Pretty Girl Confessions: Part 3

I laugh sometimes when I think about my current profession of modeling
and acting because I never thought I was beautiful growing up. So to
be immersed in an industry that is solely based on appearance is
ironic. My image of beauty was definitely shaped by my "growing up
story" and in the book "Do you think I'm beautiful?" this is the first
question asked. What's your growing up story?

I grew up with three sisters and we were always referenced as the
"Clarke" sisters, we traveled in 3s. We all had long curly pretty hair
and tanned skinned, three little Indian girls. I think everyone hears
"you're so beautiful or pretty" or something like that when you're
young. As I got older, attending elementary and middle school, I
recall becoming aware of my appearance and how I felt about it. I
still have my elementary school photo with a gap between each of my
front teeth. My siblings used it as blackmail over the years but my
gaps closed up on their own...never had braces. Moving onto high
school, I remember always covering my mouth when I laughed, guess I
developed an insecurity over the years about my teeth. (I also sucked
my thumb until a very embarrassing age so I had big ole buck teeth too
lol!) Anywho, I was always the skinny tall girl with baggy clothes who
wasn't very confident with herself and felt privileged whenever she
got attention from boys. I was a tomboy, always wore my hair in
ponytails and only wore sneakers, no dress shoes and certainly no
heels. Used to drive my mom crazy to come home with another pair of
sneakers after my dad had taken us shopping. I was very unimpressed
about what I saw in the mirror and my low self esteem often led me to
seek attention from inappropriate sources such as guys or partying.
Even at the age of 16, I was running to the club scene as an escape.
Here come the Clarke sisters every week at the 21 and under club, half
dressed and shaking our booties with all the guys. I think my sisters
and I invented the midriff top cuz although we were tomboys, you saw a
wife beater tank top tied up to expose our tummies every chance we
got, and the occasion bootie shorts accompanied them. I remember
thinking "I don't know why these girls are jealous and pick on me" in
response to the cat fights and battles throughout my adolescent. Yes,
boys would often try to flirt with me but I didn't think I was
beautiful so I couldn't understand why the boys were interested and
surely why girls always cut their eye at me. I had long thick unruly
hair, a unibrow, a slender build and I was flatter than flat-chested
and had a pancake butt. I didn't see anything about me to get excited
over. I'm not sure to this day where my low self esteem came from
other then lacking parental guidance and womanly conversations as a
teen. Well, I guess thats it...thats where it comes from. Being left
to decipher the definition of beauty for myself with no spiritual or
parental influences to base it on left me with a distorted view of my
value. I believe I had a twisted view of the intimacy of a naked body
too. My mother walked around the house butt naked everyday all day so
growing up around that de-sensitized me to appreciating the value of
leaving something to the imagination, I suppose. Some people call it
being free or comfortable, but I wonder if I would've grownup
differently if certain experiences didn't happen?

Current day, I can attest that my self-love has grown as a result of
being in such a fickle superficial industry. I had to learn to love
myself and my looks the way GOD loves me. Learn to appreciate me just
the way He created me and it made surviving in this industry possible.
My lack of self worth for my outer or inner beauty could have easily
crushed me with the rejection that is guaranteed in the modeling
world. I still look at myself in the mirror sometimes and say "yeah I
still don't get it, I got a long head, big teeth, crooked teeth, and
the signature Indian nose of my family!". But I know I'm bayooteefull
inside and out and I thank God for creating me as I am and for
strengthening my self-love each day.

Peace y'all!

Sent from my iPad

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