This is an entry from March that I typed and never posted. After reading it through I realized how much more I need someone to "Check Up On It" current day. Whatever was troubling me then is flowers compared to now.
A Day Back in March: I experienced some overwhelming feelings on Monday and still cant place where thy came from. I had a great first half of the day and then all of a sudden I felt sad or kind of angry and just wanted to be alone. Solitude wasn't an immediate option since I had a callback and acting workshop to attend. I put my best foot forward to complete each event and hung on by threads of patience. I know myself and I certainly know when BJ has had enough and needs to crawl into her cave and put the beast to sleep. I'm sure I ruffled some feathers with my sour demeanor and I honestly tried to push through my evening with a smile. At the close of the night I expressed to my counterparts that I preferred to walk home alone and just be quiet. We said our goodnights and went our separate ways. I went home feeling bad that I couldn't fake a pleasant attitude any longer. I gave all my energy to the workshop and callback and had nothing left for my friends at the end of the night. Bummer. I was so glad to receive a text message the next day from one that said "Thinking of You, XO". It helped to soften the lashings I gave myself for allowing them to see me on a bad day. I can be extremely hard on myself most days and I needed that follow-up text to shake me loose a bit. I'm often holding it together for the sake of others and usually the one sending a friendly text to cheer up a friend or motivate them. It was so nice to be checked up on for once. I replied tha t I was feeling much better and thanked her for checking up on me, I left it there because I'm learning not to dwell on the past. I just wanted to acknowledge that great feeling because it doenst happen often in my life that I feel like I really need someone to check up on me and it actually happens. Not to say that people arent around to support me but most days I go behind closed doors and cry about it so most folks probably don't know that I need to be checked up on.
Current Day: I'm learning to loosen up and express a bit more. Now that doesn't mean I'm gonna walk around crying everywhere or open up my personal biz to anyone. I am starting to release emotions that have built up inside of me and directing them to my man or the appropriate friends to Check Up on Them. So I guess the responsibility starts with me, if I walk around playing tough girl all day, how can I expect those closest to me to get in and love me?