Monday, May 24, 2010

Emotions Taking Over

"If you're feeling something then feel it."

Lately I've been feeling so many emotions that I've become somewhat numb. Nothing is really wrong and then everything is wrong all at the same time. Confusing right??? Imagine how I feel.

I've been sad a lot as I remember my mother and the more time I spend with my father the harder it is to be away from him. I worry about him a lot and pray a lot as I anticipate the worse fear of losing both my parents. I take time to talk to him whenever I'm home and just absorb his knowledge and spirit.

My relationship with my male friend has been growing stronger but our lives are too busy and time consumed to give each other the attention a relationship deserves. Another fear I have is losing my father before I find that man to make me happy and that would make my Daddy proud. This friend is very special to me and I don't want to force a relationship but it does pose a subtle pressure for me to settle down when I think about losing my father.

I haven't been booked for a gig other than my spokesmodel stuff in over a month. I'm paying my bills but I always plan ahead when it comes to money and I don't have any solid leads thus far.

Some of my friendships have become very taxing on my spirit too. I lean on my friends for support and interaction and I haven't been able to tolerate a lot of interaction with them lately and I'm not exactly sure why. Most of my life Ive been the friend I can count on so I struggle occasionally with female friendships. The older I get the more challenging it gets because my tolerance for bullshit gets thinner.

My body is changing before my eyes and while I know its important to work out and eat right, I'm just not motivated most days. I love food and I dont like the gym. I like this womanly body I'm growing into but realize that my career doesn't allow for this new body and skin I'm in. I'm in a funk and my emotions are taking over. Its not necessarily a bad thing but its still exhausting nonetheless.

Growing up with my mother I learned fast that you either say what you feel or move on with your business. Nobody is going to pacify you and hold your hand every step of the way. There may not always be someone there to give you a hug and say "Baby it'll be ok". We kind of had an unspoken policy of "If you're going to cry than go do it in your room and get it over with". I was watching Kate Hudson on Oprah one day and she was talking about her childhood with her mother and it felt similar. She said I was taught that if you feel something then feel it. Don't fake it, don't hide it, don't try to run away from it, just feel it. So that's what I'm going through right now. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions and I know I will come out on the other side stronger but... well there is no but... i WILL come out on the other side of these challenges and emotions stronger. I cried and laughed a lot of this weekend and there's more to come, I'm sure of it. Laughter and tears feed my soul so I'm looking forward to it. Got my box of tissues for tears of joy and sadness ready to go!


No comments:

Post a Comment