"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."
As I continue through this journey of self discovery, I realize new insecurities and gain new strengths. This process of growing up is like an outer body experience. Sometimes I look at myself and have no clue who I'm becoming and other times I think this chick is amazing... Yeah... I like her she's with me ...lol. Like I'm proud of me but "me" is another person like a celebrity or something and I'm her groupie but its me... Ha ha ha. Does that make sense??? Anywho, I've been struggling with my inner party girl, among other things, that's starving for a fiesta. Compared to how much I used to party and hang out and live life, you'd think I was a nun or something. I mentioned previously how I'd run to the club or a bar when feeling down or deep in thought about life. While I don't want to go back to using partying and alcohol as a coping mechanism I do miss the feeling dancing gave me.
I don't even recognize this old lady I've become that just Works Hard instead of Work Hard, Play Hard. I think when I moved to NY I told myself I had to change if I wanted to achieve the success I want in life. Listening to others opinions too much telling me ill never get a husband if I keep acting the way I act or telling myself I need to be more strict and more disciplined and blah blah blah if I want to make the big bucks in this industry. Going to auditions and coming home and cooking dinner and exercising and reading and being a good little BORING girl. To a degree those comments hold truth...but then sometimes I'm like that B.S. is for the birds. I've been a dancer all my life in some capacity and music has always been flowing through my veins. I love being in a party environment listening to music, feeling the bass, shaking me bum, interacting with a complete stranger and partying like we've known each other forever. Not because I'm trying to find a "baby daddy" or because I want someone to notice me on the dance floor but its natural to me. Ill be on the subway playing my iPod trying to contain myself when a jam comes on. I be tapping my foot or bobbing my head and people be looking at me like I'm crazy. I really feel like just busting out a move sometimes but I be like "simmer down now simmer down". But seriously, I love to dance and I don't know how I got it in my head that have to be this prudish boring person and sit in the house all the time waiting for some Mr Right to come along so I can be like "look at me I don't drink, I don't swear, I don't go clubbing, marry me marry me!" I'm not perfect and some things about me may not ever change. Also, not sure who said you have to get a million hours of sleep to survive. I be going to bed at like 9pm for a 10am audition the next day. Really???? I'm gonna sleep my life away if I don't snap out of it.
This weekend has been a refresher. I had a 4 hour chat over dinner and cocktails with an old friend. She knows me well and said I just need to find that balance between my two worlds, the old and the new me. I also went to a happy hour with my old coworkers followed by a late night club run and it felt great. Just hanging with folks being happy and laughing and jammin. Last night I went to a dinner party and caught up with old college buddies and more great feelings poured out. I used to be the life of the party. I don't need to be in the spotlight all the time but it sure felt good to get a little of my Mojo back. Spending time with friends and laughing and hollering and hooting is just what this almost 30 year old needs.
I must have lost my mind or at least lost sight of who I really am. I'm a Party Girl and many more things but aint nothing wrong with me. Of course when I finally settle down my priorities will change but why am I acting like I'm married with 2.5 kids and a picket fence??? I'm about to be 30 and its time to get DIRTY... Lmao. It takes courage to stick to who you really are in your heart and not give a rats ass what anybody thinks. I need to tune out the voices telling me I need to be like this and be like that. "What??? Huh??? I can't hear you over my Fabulousness, speak a bit louder please!".
Hardy Har Har, I crack me up sometimes. But I need to enjoy being single and being me before I go freakin crazy. Got a lot of trips planned next month including the bday celebration in Puerto Rico and I can't wait. Mr Right will be here right on time when GOD says so. Until then you can find on the dance floor shaking a tail feather ;-)
Party Girl signing off!