Its been a rough week...well it's been a long week. Lots of praying, thinking, contemplating, decision making, and conferences with my spiritual circle. I've started to blog many times but couldn't complete a thought so I figured I'd use all the drafts and do the excerpts of my mind.
This is what my Aunt Mary says I'm going through. Ive always reached out to her when lacking motivation or in need of spiritual guidance, even before i decided to open my heart to God and learn all about him. I spoke with her about my current challenges, thoughts, and frustrations and my new found faith and desire to learn about God. She said I'm battling with my spirit and my flesh and its time for decision making. She insisted that I knew what I had to do and that I had to decide if I really wanted to make those decisions. Ive been battling a few negative spirits that have been getting the best of me lately with friends, career, and love. I contemplated a hiatus from everyone and everything, my career included, to clear my mind and calm my heart. That option is still not out the window but i don't want to make rash decisions based on emotions so im gonna pray on it and wait for a sign.
I've come to realize that my mother has shaped my life, even in her absence. My life's story is all about maturing into my womanhood and coping with the loss of my mother. When my mother was alive and sick, my life's story was all about taking care of her. Shaping my schedule around her appointments and making sure she had what she needed. Before she was sick and I was in college, my life's story was all about being independent and living my life without my mothers help. And before college, all through my adolescence my life's story was all about holding a grudge against my mother and promising that I would never grow up to be the woman she appeared to be to me. Its funny how the one person we are determined not to be like is the one person we end up like. It says somewhere in the Bible that you portray the same characteristics as those you judge most, or something like that. So maybe I was destined to be like my mother in so many ways simply because I judged her so harshly at times for the mother that she was. Comparing her to other mothers and wishing I had something better. As an adult, I reflect back on so many times me and my mom were at war. I moved in and out of her house growing up because we bumped heads all the time. I moved with my Dad when I was 12 and then back with her when we relocated to DE. Then we clashed so bad again that I left the house at 15 or 16 and stayed with my older brother and sissie-in-law (she is also responsible for shaping me, I learned a lot about being an independent woman by her example). I moved back in with my mother during my senior year in high school and man was that a rough time. I was determined to stay on campus in college just to flee from that home prison. I moved into my first apartment at 17 and have been on my own since. I can appreciate all the experiences I shared with her and even the ones I go through now. Through her example, I'm being shaped into a smarter, more prepared woman and whether it be from following in her footsteps with her strong qualities or learning not to repeat her mistakes, I'm shaped by her permanently and its an honor.
Dance With Me:
I love to feel the bass and hear the drums and groove along to the rhythm of music. All genres: reggae, rock, hip-hop, r&b, techno, trance, pop country, pop, neo soul, jazz, oldies, electronica, you name it, I love it. I've been lacking passion in my career lately and it has me asking myself what I really want to do. What makes me passionate? Its Dancing! My biggest dream in life is to dance again and professionally. Doesn't matter if it's a hip hop background dancer for a music artist or in a broadway play as African bootie shaker, its dancing. If I could find a way to pay the bills and dance, trust me thats where I'd be. I feed the urge to dance with an occasional dance floor at the club and more so in my apartment all alone jamming to tunes and putting on a show for me. There's a quote I keep on my wall, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are". This would describe me perfectly because I've been a dancer in some form my whole life and now that I have time to truly pursue it, I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it. I wanna get back to that kid in me that would dance around in the music room while my mom played the keyboard and just be free. I just finished reading "The Alchemist" which is about finding your Personal Legend and pursuing it. This intense lack of passion I'm feeling is making me realize that modeling may not have been a dream of mine but more so its what other people saw for me. I've been wondering if its what I see for myself.
So as I figure out some things and wait for the signs, I'm gonna pray on it and keep feeding my soul with positive knowledge. I finished two books this past month, "Eat, Pray, Love" and I read "The Alchemist" in a week. I start "Purpose Driven Life" tonight as I take the bus to Baltimore for work. Im humbled and grateful for those who were there for me this week and offered words of encouragement and open ears. I don't feel quite as lost or lonely when I know I have folks I can lean on. My Crazy Bayooteefull Mind is searching for something and she's gonna find it.