Sunday, April 25, 2010

Happy Sad

As Americans, I think its easy to pity ourselves, feel down, or complain about our have-nots. While it does take more energy to be negative and frown, it takes a much stronger person to stay positive and always see the brighter side of things. With that being said I feel that its appropriate to let yourself feel a little sad when disappointed or hurt. We wouldn’t be humans if we didn’t feel emotions or if we could control our emotions 100% of the time.

For the past year or so I was in a bit of a depressed state of mind or perhaps functionally depressed if that is such a thing. Still recovering from the loss of my mother, living with the fear everyday of possibly losing my father, accepting the reality of yet another failed attempt at a relationship, living hours away from my family and friends, doubting my decisions to move to NY and follow my dreams. Coming home at the end of long days or trapping myself inside on slow days to stare at walls of the asylum I call home. Not wanting to do much but just sit in silence, ignore all calls, nap for hours, cry myself to sleep, eat myself into oblivion, you name it I went through it. But thankfully, I'm slowly tip toeing away from that life and moving into a place of spirituality and faith stronger than ever. That’s where my Happy Sad comes into play.

I'm a realist, so of course I realize that I will lose my father one day and it’s a fact that my mother is gone and yes friendships have faded with my big move up North and I am once again single. But while those thoughts are always in the back of my mind, there are much brighter ones in the front. I successfully relocated to a city known for its “Dog Eat Dog” mentality and thus far am surviving. I enjoy the freedom of being self employed while still supporting myself and helping my family financially from time to time. Although I don’t see my father and siblings as often as I'd like, they're only a phone call away and we chat often. I am travelling a lot this year and seeing the world. I'm healthy, self sufficient, come and go as I please and I'm forming a great relationship with my God.

So for now, I'm happy sad but I know soon I will be able to say with certainty that I am HAPPY!

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