Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Call Me "Turtle"

I beat myself up pretty bad last night. I was definitely in my feelings about being single. I woke up this morning and did a little yoga to clear my mind and thought "I'm human, right?" Right! So why am I so hard on myself when I get emotional? Like I'm not also a female and yall know we emotional. Maybe because I never been the type to desire a relationship or maybe I've never been without a companion this long. Not sure, but I've been treating myself like an alien or something because I get lonely. Telling myself to snap out of it, you have other things to focus on you don't need no man. BULLSHIT!!!!! I'm always hard on the outside and soft and gushy on the inside like a turtle. I only let the world see my hard shell and when I get home I tuck my head into my shell and cry and weap and release all the emotions and thoughts I hold in my head all day. My shell protects me from the vultures that want to break my heart and make me What a silly thought! I'm sad anyway, so I'm thinking I should at least feel what I'm feeling and stop faking the funk. Sometimes I get mad at myself because I seek attention in the men of my past that I know aren't right for me or that have hurt me before. This isn't always a bad thing or is it? Earlier when I blogged about trouble makers, I realized that I'm stirring up the trouble or allowing it to happen. I reached out to a friend from my past and it felt good to just be wanted. Even though we have several differences of opinion and may not be compatible if given another chance it felt great to hear him say "I miss you". My heart melted and a tear fell. So am I a sappy love fanatic? Probably! Do I want to be in a relationship for the right reasons and un-forced? Absolutely! Am I crazy for allowing past throbs to stroke my female ago and cater to my heart a little? Nope! I'm single and independent but that doesn't mean I have to be alone. I do want someone who can live up to the man my Daddy showed me I deserve and I don't want to settle simply because I'm lonely. However, I do require affection and attention from the opposite sex and I will go Crazy if I don't let down this shell or hardened exterior just a smidget! Turtles are smart and they move slow giving them time to observe their surroundings. Maybe that's me, I'm observing my surroundings but it sure would be nice to touch and look occasionally :-D
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

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