Saturday, June 12, 2010

Trouble Makers

"Why is it that the people your mind knows you should stay away from are the very ones that your heart wants you to be the closest to?"

I asked this question on my Facebook and Twitter page and got some good feedback. I posed the question because I've been bombarded by the men of my past in the recent months and definitely this weekend. If I had a dime, nickel, a penny even for all the unavailable men my heart got attached to... you know the rest... I'd be rich. I titled this entry trouble makers because while my heart is way too loving and can justify me being with anyone of these men I know they are all trouble. When it comes to my trouble makers, the more my heart desires them the more trouble they can usually bring. You can say I've somewhat been on the prowl lately being single and living in two major cities. So when you add my barely 30 hormones into the mix, were definitely brewing up something juicy.

Over the past few days, I've chatted, reconnected, entertained, flirted via Facebook, Twitter and text with the men of my past. Kind of sounds like the ghost of my past and maybe its appropriate because I'm haunted by the memories of good times with all these men but also by the pain and heartbreak that they caused. I didn't go out seeking these reconnections either they just seem to pop back into my life and usually at the same time... WEIRD! So why do I still desire some of these men...that brings me back to my original question. Not sure how to answer, but have you ever been with someone and had an amazing time whether it be just one day, a few months, or for some in my case years of on and off passion and excitement? I have shared great times with most of these men I keep referring to, and although still recovering from a dagger in the heart with some, I find that in no specific amount of time I'm always able to let bygones be bygones with these men. I'm always willing to dust myself off and get back in the Love Game. Some of the Facebook responses went to the fact that the heart is not made to make rational decisions and that's what the mind is for. One friend quoted "Trust me now, Thank me later" as a statement from your mind when battling with emotional decisions. Those all sound good and are surely true, my dad is always saying you have to take the emotion out of a situation to think clearly. People with big hearts are just more challenged than the rest I guess. My heart is always getting me into trouble and I use the word "heart" to say my feelings or emotions. I don't fall in love with every guy I but my saying is "I don't believe in regrets, I believe in lessons learned". There will always be someone around to give you sound advice and you may hear what they're saying and still turn around and make the most emotional irrational decision because you followed your heart and not your mind. Is that so horrible??? (big shoulder shrug) I have learned lessons from all my experiences and it has made me a stronger person with love and I've become more equipped to fight off the trouble makers with each heartbreak. Bruised but not Broken.

As I said earlier these heart throbs have the potential to bring trouble back into my world. Anyone of them can have me up all night waiting for a call back, thinking about them first thing in the morning, cancelling all my plans to run away on a last minute trip and just completely lose my mind and all common sense. And why is it that they think they have the right to call me up and cause trouble in my life again? They know what they've done in the past and some of them know full and well that if given another chance they will chew me up and spit me out again but that doesn't stop them from trying. Testing me out to see if they can get just one more chance. There are some of my past flames that if given the chance may do right by me but its only a possibility and that's not a chance my heart should be willing to take anymore. So I leave with this last question, "If I allow any one of these mystery men, who like to pop in and out of my life, have another go at my heart then who is really the Trouble Maker, them or me?"

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