I need love instead of lust, I need true friendship instead of superficial "perfect" friends and I need to be a true friend, I need spiritual guidance instead of doing things my way. I get it now or I'm "getting" it now (work in progress). Its amazing what you discover about yourself, your life, your friends, your beliefs, your everything when you just sit and talk with God and with yourself. I've realized so much over the past month or two through my readings, talks with God, attendance in church, and conversations with friends and family. Most of my reality has me longing for a more sincere, true relationship and commitment, whether it be family, friends, love, career, and religion. Learning about fellowship of all kinds made me realize that I don't or didn't have many true sincere fellowships (relationships with others to be honest with me, hold me accountable, and help guide me to do be a better person or vice versa). Yes I have friends that challenge me (mostly for their own benefit of being right), elders that give words of encouragement (but not aggressively nudging me down any particular path), and loves or lusts that appear to have my best interest at heart (but when things get serious, all you see is the dust they kicked up when leaving). I don't say these things to offend or blame anyone because it is and has always been my responsibility to demand sincere, healthy, progressive relationships.
My biggest challenge today is my fellowship with friends. I've been guilty, more than once, of letting anger build up inside me and then exploding on friends and telling them all the things they did to hurt me and how bad of a friend they are and blah blah blah. Taking very little responsibility for my part or dismissing my contribution to the situation as I'm human or I've done more for them so I have the right to point these sharp, piercing fingers. Definitely not the best way to have handled things. Even with those friends that haven't had major arguments with, I still judge them in my mind and observed their every move comparing myself to them.
The one thing I'm working so hard at is not placing blame anywhere but here with me. Taking accountability for my part of any wrong doings or even any part of half-ass good intentions. We all mean well but sometimes fall short of seeing things through especially when it isn't necessarily our concern. I want to be a true friend and get involved in my friend's lives and be someone that helps them for the better and I want that in return.
I put a challenge out to my closest female friends to help me be a better friend. When I say closest, I mean the females I interact with the most. Some of these were new friends, some old, and some are relatives. I challenged them to eliminate gossip, be open and honest even if it hurts, to encourage and motivate each other, to only speak words of love and not judgment. I also apologized for any judgment I've passed against them. I have heard back from a few and appreciate the candidness of some of the responses. I'm at peace with not hearing back from others and with the selection of words from those that did respond. I realize that while I have to focus on my spiritual journey, so do others. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, flaws, comments, habits, and such. It is not for me to gossip, compare, judge, or criticize anyone in life except for myself. And even with myself I need to have an attitude of love and forgiveness for the things I've done and will continue to do.
For now I keep my petty thoughts and comments not based from LOVE to myself and I pray that with each day, as I form better habits, that these thoughts will be no more. I'm striving for a true fellowship of friendship with the females in my world.
"For all have sinned and fall short to the Glory of God". - Romans 3:23
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