Bittersweet

As I sat on the bench overlooking Manhattan from my NJ apartment, I prayed to the city to be nice to me and protect me from the evil out there. I sat out there in the snow-covered benches for at least an hour. It was the first time I sat on the benches that trim my street since I moved here a year and a half ago. I had always envisioned my mother and I sitting there, so maybe subconsciously I was hesitant to do it without her.

My mother always told me that she wouldn't come visit me if I moved to New York. She lived her days as a city girl in Washington, DC and had more than enough adventure to last her, so she wouldnt hear of it. I remember telling her that I would slip her a sleeping pill or two and then she'd wake up and be in my NYC apartment and she'd have to deal with it, LOL. At the time, it did make me a little sad because I knew that she was serious about never coming here even though she said it with jokes and smiles. I honestly couldnt have imagined that she wouldnt be around to live here or any other state for that matter.

It's bittersweet to live the life that I live with my successes and my location because she was my biggest fan. My mom would send out email blasts to everyone, even people that didnt know me, to show off my latest accomplishment. She would make a bigger deal about my magazine spreads than I would and whenever possible she wanted to go to my fashion shows. She was so proud and wanted to be a part of them. She even got invloved in my fashion shows in college and came to do the make-up and talk until she was blue in the face to other models. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be here in the big city, with a resume out the door of accomplishments, if she were still alive? We talked often about her issues with NYC because I truly wanted to make that move but wouldnt really do it while she was sick. I couldnt imagine being four hours from her. Even when I moved an hour and a half away from her it would drive me crazy. At that time I had a 9 to 5 job so I'd go to Delaware and pack her up and she'd stay in my Maryland apartment for weeks so I was only fifteen minutes away at the most. I feel guilty at times realizing that I only reached this success because she's not here. I'd like to believe that at some point I would have had bigger accomplishments while being her main caregiver. But I knew and still know in my heart that I would have put her first and continued to sacrifice moving to the city. The most bittersweet of all is that I live outside of Manhattan in a quiet little town that she would have loved. If she were here, my town would've been the perfect option for us both. Fifteen minutes away from the city for my career and any place not in a major city for her. We'd still have our quiet days in the house where she'd teach me how to cook my favorite dishes from her Mama Tia's recipes and wash my clothes and clean for me. I could write a book on all the things we do today if she were here. Two divas ruling the world and arguing all along the way. But she's not here, not in the physical sense, and its all just bittersweet today as I celebrate her birthday. Im at peace with her departure but some days it just really sucks!!!!

Peace yall!