"You're such a pretty girl, you really shouldn't speak like that!" I remember someone said this to me after I made some obscene statements while pissed off, of course, at her. I recall thinking "What the hell does pretty have to do with the way I talk? If I want to cuss to express myself than I will!". My mindset was that words are words and profane words were simply the way I chose to express my feelings.
I'd get so frustrated while lecturing my baby sissie or nephew and I'd always have a "bad word" or two mixed in there out of passion. My sissie would always pause and insist that I use other words to speak to her. I didn't think anything of it and told her in so many words to get over it. In my mind, I wasn't disrespecting her because I wasn't cussing "at" her. I mean it's not like I called her a b***h or anything, I would say things like "why the f**k are you always doing..." or "This is some bulls**t!".
Even when having general conversations with girlfriends, my vocabulary surely included the "F" and "S" bombs and the occasional calling someone out of their name. I was labeled a "Potty Mouth" and the name fit because my dialogue was full of garbage. Thinking back, I didn't have any references that influenced this language. It was my own anger and rebellious mindset that inspired these words. I felt like I was standing up for what I believed by using bold words that others wouldn't dare. "So what society says these are bad words, who are they to tell me how I should speak?" It's not like I wasn't aware of my actions, I knew full and well that my profanity turned off some people and that others preferred I didn't speak in that way but I didn't care because I was being "ME", sticking to my freedom of speech. Blah blah blah. I laugh at myself now because I can recall so many other things that I rebelled against and thought I was making a grand stand by rebelling against society's rules. Some I still hold onto, but the potty mouth girl has cleaned up her vocab. I'm still a work in progress and I don't know when I officially decided to choose my words wisely, maybe just through the natural process of maturity. I pause when I feel those words of my past creeping up to my lips and search my brain for more loving ones. When I do let them slip out, I'm so convicted that I attempt to be more conscious of them. I used to corrupt people in my presence and they would inherit my potty ways through influence. Now when I'm around others who cuss I feel uncomfortable, sometimes because of temptation. Especially if I'm on the receiving end of those words, the temptation to go toe-to-toe with fighting words is overwhelming. I say a little prayer under my breath and hope for inspiring words to say. Today, when I hear words of passion or frustration from my girlfriends in general conversations I reflect on the ME that used to be. I see now how undesirable and immature my conversations could have appeared.
This week my ears have received an overflow of passionate words on the subway, bus and sidewalks of NYC and I couldn't wait to run home and escape the craziness to speak words of love to myself. Perhaps these were tests because I was sure ready to walk up to some of those folks and say something to the effect of "you are too pretty, young, or gifted to be speaking like that". Maybe the test was two part in not judging them because I was once there and being reminded of where I once was is enough to keep me on my current path. When those words were spoke to me I was so annoyed and irritated but now they stick out in my mind so vividly. It's not my place to judge or convict others for their short comings but I'm thankful to be reminded of my past to appreciate my present that much more. I've been told that you know a true Christian by stepping on their toe or something like that. Basically it means that I can claim to be a changed woman but if you step on my toe or upset me or something of a non-loving way and I scream, kick, cuss, push, fight, and blame then my actions have revealed who I really am. I don't know if its the God in me or simply the maturity, maybe a bit of both...obviously a bit of both.
Say words to encourage PEACE yall!